Friday, December 29, 2006

Donald Dick

The time has come to take a stand. In this feud between Rosie and the Don, I must point out that at least Rosie has used her wit. Donald has pretty much been going "Neener neener neener".
Donald has proven that class, much like the elusive folicle, is something that simply can not be purchased.

You can buy women, but you can't buy character.

You also can't buy taste.
Have you seen his cribs?They look like Liberace's stylist had an epileptic fit. They shreak "Look, here's some gold! Can you see I'm rich??? Look here's marble, can you tell how rich I am??? Here's my synthetic wife, have you noticed that I'm rich?"

Of course he's a man of discriminating taste. He thinks Angelina Jolie is unnatractive but Paris Hilton is "extremely attractive". He's also a big fan of Kevin Federline.
Oh yeah, he's a class act.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Muh Muh Muh My Generation

Oh the good old days.
We didn't have to wear seat belts, in fact our Buick didn't have any. I think Mom and Dad cut them out because they were always getting in the way. We made "Creeple People" with the "Thing machine" that used scalding water and molten plastic. Easy Bake ovens could burn you. Our Dads could make us fabulous "wagons" that had no brakes and they never went to jail for it. "Small parts, not meant for children under three" Oh fiddlesticks! I thrived on a steady diet of Barbie shoes and who doesnt remember the splintery tastiness of Lincoln Logs? Play-Doh was always saved for desert. We had model cars and toys made of metal; heavy things that could easily knock out a sibbling or a pal that you have suddenly decided to hate.

We were sold cereals that proudly boasted of their sugar content in their names. "Nuclear" and "Atomic" were good words. They meant progress, not tumors. Above all, we were swindled! We were blatantly lied to! It was wonderful and we kept coming back for more. How many packages of Sea Monkeys did YOU get before the words "brine shrimp" finally sunk in?

As an adult, I did receive some as a birthday gift. I kept them in a jar, just two survived but happened to be male and female. They had babies! I had sea monkeys for months but was never able to teach them any tricks except for how to swim in the toilet once their jar needed cleaning.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

After the Party

We had a birthday party for the Christ puppy, Trevor. He was born on Christmas Eve so it's a good excuse for having a Christmas party and if I call it a dog party, people won't expect as much. It went well but I have so much wine and beer left over. The wine I can take to other parties but nobody drank a single beer and I got two cases. I must get it through my head that I'm an old fart now and so are my friends, the days of "keggers" are over. I am investigating the other uses for beer. So far I have found that it is a good hair rinse, a tenderizing marinade and an efective snail killer.

Oddly enough when everyone was gone, I found the book "the Secret Life of Water" on my coffee table. My sister and I had been interested in the experiments that had been done that I mentioned in a previous blog. This is where I start believeing in a higher power, on the sub atomic level. My sister works at the library and had tried to order the book but it was at some other library and would take a week or two to get. Suddenly one of her co-workers who had also seen the movie featuring the experiments said "Hey Diane, do you believe in quantum physics? Do you believe that something can be in two places at once?" With that she held up the book which had just come in from some other place. Very strange, so I figured that Diane had just brought it with her to show me but no. We still don't know who left it behind... did anybody? Was it Santa? I suppose this is "a sign" I'd better put on my strong glasses and get reading!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Bad Seed

Here is my alter ego and childhood idol, Rhoda Penmark. I used to wear my hair in braids to look like her. Lovely child!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Oh Dear

Five postings and it's not even 2:00. See what happens when I turn on the computer? Forget quitting world of Warcraft, I could stay in Youtube for a month. I did find a good clip from "Everything Is Illuminated'. Funny, though, When I look at Elijah Wood, all I see is Mumble.

Curious George and The Bible

And if you doubt that religion is stupid, just look at those who believe in it. George believes that God wanted him to be president... I'm sorry but if I were inclined to believe in mythology, I would say that it was the devil that gave him this position. The man is a far worse terrorist than Osama. What makes him any different in killing for his beliefs than the guys that flew planes into the twin towers?
Absolutely NOTHING!
Please understand that when I criticize the ...president (choke, cough, sputter)I am criticising the administration. Poor George isn't smart enough to destroy this country single handedly, he's just the patsy. Still, it is utterly amazing to me that people can listen to this freak and believe that he has any more sense than a proboscis monkey. Unbelievable! You can't say Fundamental without the word "mental". George w. believes that anybody who doesn't buy into the Jesus thing is going to Hell. That's scary! It's scary that somebody who is that insane would be put in a position of power. But there's lots of crazy folk out there. There are people who are perfectly sane and intelligent who are devout in their beliefs that make no sense whatsoever. When focused on their faith, it's as if their brains know to run and hide and wait until the desire to reason returns. These poor little brains have been beaten for their unwillingness to believe in fairy tales and know when to retreat.
People, in general, are not really that stupid. Stewart Copeland expressed it best on an episode of "Politically incorrect" when he pointed out that our bible is just as nutty as the Quran but the beauty of this country is that we don't REALLY believe in our religion.

Keep the (lack of) Faith!

But I DO Believe

I just don't believe in religion. While I understand that the essence of faith is to believe in something that cannot be proven and that the LEAP of faith is a beautiful thing, it is also very harmful. I believe religion is the deadliest poison on this planet but I do believe in God. I need not take a leap of faith to do so. I believe that a higher intelligence is present at all times and it's evidence can be seen. If it helps to envision this energy as some bearded guy answering your prayers, go ahead, have at it. just don't hurt others who disagree. I see God in Quantum physics. At a sub atomic level, particles are influenced by our thoughts (prayer) Magic is real, we just need to rise above our ego driven selves.

Here is an example of what gives me goosebumps and lets me know that there is a God.

Sunday School

Awright Kiddies!
It's Sunday, time for your brainwashing! Cleanse that brain, make it shiny clean and perfectly empty so that you may receive your weekly dose of religious bullshit. That's right, fill your head up with doody! It's good for you! AND it's good for the country! Our military enterprises would go bankrupt were it not for religion. After all, religion is the cause of most wars. Without religion, we might not have any wars, THEN WHAT would we do? Why that would be just awful for our career soldiers. SO keep that hate flowing! Go buy a new bible today! Don't be confused when that bible contradicts itself, just pick the most hateful truth and that is the one that is sure to be God's will. Remember, above all, that God will never answer your prayers unless you give him lots of money!!!

Now here is a most inspiring man. I believe the Lord is speaking directly through him. Praise God!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Girls Gone Stupid and Shaved Pussy

I remember the dawn of women's lib, the bra burning, the protests. I didn't agree with some if it but was grateful for most of it. Throughout history women have been opressed (mostly due to religion). We fought to get the vote, to wear pants, to work, to get the same pay and to have equal rights. Decades of hard effort and now the young generation aspires to be in "Girls Gone Wild". I suppose I may sound like a prude to some, it's not nudity I'm against, it's stupidity and women's willingness to exploit themselves. I can understand why the Muslim nations call our women whores. In the case of certain high profile celebrities, this seems to be an accurate definition.

The latest trend of flaunting one's genetalia like a new purse is rather disturbing. I can believe that going sans panties might feel kind of good, like skinny dipping; but the ladies I knew who dared to do this wore longer than usual skirts to avoid embarassment. These fabulous celebrities wear very short mini skirts which suggests to me that this these pussy slips are no accident, just a desperate plea for attention. (But we're used to that from Paris, what ELSE can she do?)

Spot the Twat!:

Lindsay Lohan

Britney Spears

And there's one of Jennifer Lopez but I'm having a hard time finding the site and I'm too lazy and too high brow to waste a lot of time looking for pussy. So why are these women so needy for attention? They have lots of money but that obviously doesn't buy class. Maybe it's just the PETA side of them. They are being humane in giving their crabs a breath of fresh air.

What is noteworthy to me is that they are all completely shaved. (Well, pretty much any girl with two IQ points to her name would know to use Veet rather than a blade in certain areas... Oh yes Paris does seem to have razor burn) Pamela Anderson is clean as a whistle in her latest Playboy ...spread.

Is this what guys want? I always thought that men who wanted a clean shave really wanted a ten year old and that's creepy. True the garden should be tidied but not plowed under, right? It's called "bush" not "desert" right?? Sure the Angela Davis Afro is out, but what about the runway, the Hitler look or maybe just a John Waters Moustach??? NOTHING????

Well guys, if that's what you want, fine but NOT until you're just as diligent about ridding yourselves of back hair!

PS: Paris cover up that nasty thing. As Borat would say, "It hangs like the mouth of a tired dog"

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Go Away Rachel Ray!!!

She's everywhere I turn!
All while I was sick with a terrible flu it seemed that whenever I opened my eyes, I saw Rachel Ray. I like the Food Channel but she's on it 24/7. I go to the book stores, she has at least 50 books. She has a talk show and even CDs. (No she's not singing. It's music to eat by.) I'm also a bit sick of this easy quick cooking crap that she endorses. There is way too much of this on the food channel. Take a can of beans and a can of Spaghetti-Os add Ritz crackers and call it "Goulash". I miss Julia Child!
Sure I'm jealous of all the money she's making, but there's such a thing as over saturation. She's also just annoyingly perky and cute. She has the same reaction to everything she tastes and EVERYTHING is great. Once, just ONCE, I'd like to see her bite into something and say "Eeew, this tastes like donkey ass!"
Now I go to the store and her face is on every box of crackers. I can not buy "Chicken in a Biscuit" because I don't want to open my pantry and find her THERE too! (Also because Chicken in a Biscuit tastes like donkey ass) Please, make it go away!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Crappy Career

After the variety hour

I didn't think my career could get any worse

But it DID!

But remember, her hair is soft and easy to care for. Her skin is soft too.
Just how soft is her brain?

Anthony Bourdain

I like this guy.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Culture Corner

This is my new favorite artist
She is so brilliant!

I love this song
The band is Gogol Bordello. The lead singer is Eugene Hutz (there should be an umlatt in there but I'm too lazy to figure out how to do that)He co-stars in the movie "Everything Is Illuminated" I highly recomend this film! He is wonderful, as is Elijah Wood. Eugene is like Borat but real. The film takes a turn unlike anything I've ever seen.
My sister discovered this movie. Thanks Sis, for being so weird.

My favorite writer is David Sedaris (Yes, Amy is his sister)
Here he is doing a reading:

And, of course, Sacha Baron Cohen is GOD!

I Such a Big Girl

I went to a movie all by myself!
I simply couldn't let any more time pass without seeing my beloved Borat. I had promised to go with four different people.
Who to go with? It made my mind all a jumble!
I decide I go with ME!
Be a big brave girl! Go to a movie by yourself! It will be dark in the theater, nobody can see what a miserable lonely fuck you are.

The movie was what I knew it would be. Sacha is my hero
the film was even better than I expected. Make many million dollar my Kazakhe Sweetheart!

But there is a reason for not going to the theater by yourself:
There is nobody else to help you remember where you parked your car.
I spent more time in the parking lot than I did in the movie!
I got to the point where I was whistling and calling my car.
But my car is not just old, smelly and purple,
it is stupid and doesn't know it's name.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Live Sex Acts!

I have been living a celibate life. Not really my choice, it has just turned out that way and I'm OK with it. Relationshits have turned me off so much I barely have ANY inclination. However, my household seems to be alive with sexual energy. Now the dog and cat are going at it...
I have a male cat (Ryan), but my female decided to go bigger.
I felt the need for proof that a tiny cat and a large dog will make the effort. I became quite the stylist, filming it in Sepia. This is Trevor and Tabitha in their acting debuts (Ryan, my troubled middle child, refuses to be part of a three way)

Here 'tis:

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Garbage Trucks

With the price of gas so high, why is the trend toward BIG cars? When we had rationing in the 70s people bought smaller cars. I guess people were bothered by waiting in gas lines far more than they are bothered by prices. The fact that we are dependent on fanatical governments to get this oil doesn't seem to bother anyone too much. We're just fighting a war because of our dependence on oil. (Yes that IS what it's about)Environmental concerns have also lost their importance as new generations become increasingly self absorbed. Funny how the families of the 70s seemed to manage with sedans. Families today are smaller, why do the cars need to be so much larger?

But I'm guilty of it too. People feel safer in the larger cars. I know I do, but this would not have been my choice, it's a decision that has been forced on me. Unfortunately, OUR need for safety compromises the safety of others. It is an unfair playing field, with all the SUVs and light trucks out there, the person with a sedan is at much greater risk.

I have a very ugly van. I would love to drive the kind of sports cars that I used to but I don't dare. I have to compete with all the other vehicles in my area and they are all huge. My van's engine went out. The van is old and looks like a big purple terd. I would have loved to get something else. I did not have the money to get an SUV. I did have the money for a sedan. Since I have a child and I want him to live, I chose to put a new engine into my piece of poo van. I need to wait until the trend for others is to drive a smaller car.

That aside, there is something I really don't understand - Jacked Up Trucks. They actually have little ladders for people to climb into them. While I understand the "Monster Truck" in theory and as an integral part of white trash culture, why are these only slightly smaller trucks allowed on public streets? Further more, why is it legal to jack up these trucks? While some models right off the lot have an unsafe elevation, there are plenty of people who get their's customized to be even higher. These menaces make the bumpers of smaller cars pointless. If one of these rear ends a sedan, what might have been a miner fender bender now becomes a serious accident. The front end of the truck goes into the most vulnerable part of the car. If there is a passenger in the back seat they may well be decapitated or otherwise fatally injured.

Furthermore these trucks are being driven by those who are far more likely to drive aggressively, speeding, tailgating, intoxicated. Consider the personality of someone who needs to be so far above others. There's a word for that: ASSHOLE.

See how a Honda Civic fairs with just a 4x4 (not even jacked up)

Friday, May 05, 2006

Happy Glasses

I need to get me some of these.
Just think of what a better place the world would be if EVERYBODY wore Happy Glasses.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Proof That I Have Gone Insane

I really really do like the Andy Milinakis Show.
I just got Wondershowzen but it is trying too hard to be offensive and it is using REAL children to do so. Me no likie the Wondershowzen... but I'd still work for the show.
Andy Milinakis is FABOOO!
It's just the stupidest shit I've ever seen.
Andy is the REAL Peewee Herman.
At first I was really dissapointed that he is not a kid. Since we bought the first season on DVD (because my son BEGGED ME, and it is not bad for kids) I have grown to love him.
He is a man that looks like a child, this is his reality and this is how he deals with it.
I think he rocks!

That's kinda scary.
What's even scarier is how much I relate to the old lady with the big glasses that he has on his show. Her name is Rivka.
I can sound just like her.
I can SOON BE just like her.
I hope that when I go nuts with age that I can find me a chubby boy to play with!
I want chicken drumsticks on MY head.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Nothing Cuter

"Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo!" This is what I keep saying ad nauseum to anybody that I instant message on Yahoo.
I don't know where I found this image or who originally photoshopped it. Feel free to contact or sue me. I would love to meet you as I have gotten such joy from it.

I have made this my avatar on Yahoo IM.

I find myself, at times when I'm not sure what to say, just typing "Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo". Sometimes I just can't help it, I look over and it all hits me: the innocence, the joy. It's so sweet.

I understand the smile on his face because I too, have a Hello Kitty vibrator! It's not really a DILDO, but the size is plenty for George, and he's so happy because he knows it's very rare and special.
You see Hello Kitty was just an image that Sanrio liscensed for a fee. Sanrio wasn't real discriminating. I think the direct translation of their motto to Engrish was "We like money very good! Sign contract, more money! More money make more happy. We like happy."
This is why you used to see stores like Hot Topic sporting Hello Kitty punk gear. Sometimes they even had Kitty doing things like flipping the bird. They probably told the geniuses at Sanrio "This is how Americans say 'Yay Japan!'"

There is a Hello Kitty gun, Vespa, car, tooth caps and I hear there is a coffin but have not confirmed that. I know for certain that there is / was a Hello Kitty vibrator; I'm looking at my very own. Sanrio finally got a clue and realized that they had pimped Kitty carelessly, the most obvious example being the sex toy. They tried to stop production but legally could not. They diligently sought any way that they could bring this manufacturer of meat substitutes down and fianlly did. TAXES!
Pleasure Kitty is no longer being made. Mine is very rare, she is sitting on my computer staying warm. She has never been out of the box (ahem, packaging) until last night. My son came in...

"Mommy you never use that pen."
"It's not a pen."
"What is it?"
"Um, it's a ...personal massager... Yeah, for sore shoulders and stuff!"
"I want to try!!!"
"No, no no! It's a collector's item! Never been out of the box (ahem, packaging)
"Please Mom!! I promise I'll be careful!"
I become aware that my son is begging me to let him use my vibrator.
"Well... OK, just this once!"
I had to show him how to turn it on.
He held it to his shoulder, then neck then made some really innapropriate giggling sounds and coments on how it tickled. Then he was done.
"See Mommy, I didn't break it!"
I put Kitty back in her box, ahem... packaging.

Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Now I REALLY Love Japan

That's right, it's beer for kids!

The Japanese company behind Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic beverage that looks like the real thing, is apparently shipping 75,000 bottles of the stuff a month. From The Japan Times:
Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults.

"If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining."

The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

"Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," reads the product's advertising slogan.

Of course the perfect companion to this is the book "Baby Make Me a Drink" which helps toddlers stop being such useless life forms and teaches them a useful skill that helps keep parents happy!

Monday, April 17, 2006

No Me Gusta!

Tax deadline today. I REALLY resent giving money to a government that is selling our future to corporate America. I especially detest shelling money out to this State of California when my dollars are being spent on the people of another country. My son will see none of it but will inherit the problems that the new frontier will bring. He will IF we stay here, which I hope we don't. There is no future for a kid as lilly white as my son; no GOOD future. WE pay our taxes while our state goes bankrupt, buckling under the financial burden that is the illegal population.

NO, THEY DO NOT PROVIDE ANYTHING BENEFICIAL TO THE ECONOMY!!! Anybody with two IQ points to rub together can figure out the math on this! The drain to the state economy is enormous. Migrant workers are pretty much exploited and since their kids are given instant citizenship, they feel they should not have to do these hard labor jobs. We then need to import MORE migrant workers who understand the terrible life they are fleeing and really DO work their butts off. However, by the time their bodies are giving out due to the strenuous labor, they have learned how to get disability and other things that should never be made available to non US citizens. What other country is so stupid? Do you think you could get benefits in Mexico?

Don't tell me they do the jobs that we won't do! They have taken the jobs and done them so cheaply that they are no longer available to us. The average contractor who hires Americans can't compete with the bid that a contractor who hires illegals can make. The result is that more blue collar Americans get laid off to be replaced by illegals. The American can keep his job if he is willing to work at a rate that will make it necessary for him to live in a house with two other families...the American way of life takes a huge nose dive. Welcome to the third world, Mr. U.S. citizen. It's right in your backyard!
The middle class is becoming extinct.
What about our kids? I think every young person should work at least one shit job in their life but McDonalds won't even hire anybody who doesn't speak Spanish. (Funny how the same rule doesn't apply to speaking English - SO ass backwards - but I always knew that clown was evil)
Who really benefits from this situation? Big Business.
Who pays off our politicians? Big Business.
Who runs our country? Big Business.

Why is California bankrupt? Because the politicians have catered to corporate America and all parties are courting the hispanic vote with blind greed and no consideration for future generations. What is California's largest import? A third world lifestyle that we will ALL inherit . Don't think it affects you? You might feel very differently when you or a loved one are in an ambulence that is turned away by an overburdened hospital. We have lost 84 hospitals that have collapsed under the financial burden of caring for uninsured and undocumented people who crowd emergency rooms with non emergency illness as it is their only choice for helthcare. It's that, and the endless parade of women in labor. If you live in another state, don't believe that this is a far away problem, remember, California is a trend setter. What happens here, points to the future of the rest of the country. This place is too far gone, no hope here. Learn a lesson and SAVE your own state!!!

Manwhile, I have designed a new flag for the state that I hope to soon leave.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Future Youth

After being such a clever boy and clipping coupons, I decided to reward my child by letting him use some of the coupons he had clipped. Unfortunately for me, these were coupons for Chuck E. Cheese...THE gambling casino for ages 3+

And so we went. I enjoyed a not so gentle reminder of why I don't like crowds and experienced a slice of the pizza pie that is American society.

Being a bit of a Skeeball fan, I am rather appalled at the number of PARENTS that tell their children to just walk up the Skeeball ramp and STICK your ball in the 1000,00 point hole, score loads of tickets..wee!
There are no RULES, there is only the selfish need for your own gain.
I couldn't help but shout out to the little girl, loud enough for her white trash father to hear.."Isn't it FUN to cheat???"
Looking around, the future of humanity is looking sad and the future of this country is hopeless.

The folks that would make the best parents are either not having children or are responsible enough to not want to increase their numbers, they limit their offspring to one or two.
The ignorant will always breed like insects. Ignorance is not just limited to po folk and those who come from the South of a non existent border. While there has always been a correlation between the number of missing teeth and the number of offspring, their is also a relationship to how fundamentally religious one is. Again, ignorance is the key. So if the ignorant, irresponsible people are having the majority of our future citizens, how could life possibly get anything but worse?

People are not having families, they are shitting babies.
Every Turd is a demographic point.
Every turd a VOTE (even if you have to hold up a little chunk of turd and help it make a punch hole because this is too difficult for them)

Back to day to day...
My sister and I were waiting forever for somebody to let us turn into a parking place as they all whizzed by in the overcrowded parking lot, in our overcrowded suburb. Nobody has the time to pause to be courteous, nobody thinks that good will might start with THEM. NOBODY takes on that responsibility* They leave that to the next guy. Finally somebody gave us that courtesy; of course he had white hair. What Tom Brokaw called "The Greatest Generation" are a dying breed and are not being replaced. I will always miss them and I live among people who never knew them. They really missed out.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


OK It is time to confess.
I am head over heels in love with Sasha Baron Cohen.
OK I never met him
So what?
OK he's engaged.
So what?
I don't love him THAT way...
Oh but look at his hands... just look at his hands...the most beautiful hands and how I wish they were...
OK, Enough.
The point is that this man is a comedic genius and as far as I'm concerned he has no equal.
He will be acknowledged for "Da Alli G Show" But MY favorite character of his is
I LOVE Borat!
I AM Borat!
Yes I really am, My main character on WoW is "Iamborat" (WoW is a reference to "World of Warcraft" the online role playing game that is curently eating my brain)

Borat Movie coming soon!

You should love him too

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Trouble Squared

We began to realize that Dad was falling apart under the pressure of taking care of Mom.
Mom was pretty darned selfish for most of her life, particularly in her relationship with Dad. Now in this bed ridden state, she was VERY dependant on him. Obviously, she would be. But her insecurities ran so far that she couldn't let him out of her site.
She would ask for something and he would go get it for her but she couldn't handle him being gone.
Dad was so overworked he slept whevever he could. This made Mom feel alone so she would shout at him just to make sure he was awake.
If that didn't work, she threw her teeth at him.
After hitting him square in the head a few times she learned that this was a very effective means of communication. She used it often, and while she could no longer walk, her throwing aim was impressive.

We realized that Dad's mind had also packed it's bags on one particular call.
Diane and I would 3-way call and Dad was usually sharp enough to understand that the call was from his "Two Headed Daughter". We would ask how things were, and he would say that all was quite well.
We knew better.
"How's Mom?"
"Oh she's fine but you know she just won't get out of bed"
(she hasn't for a year)
US: Dad, does Mom have her teeth in?
Dad: Let me check... no she doesn't.
Us: Oh Dad, she has thrown her teeth again. Do you know where they are, did you find them?
Dad: Well yes, I found SOME teeth...
Us: Dad, those are Mom's teeth...
Dad: Well you would think so..
Us: Yes, we would think so...
Dad: She says they're not her's.
Us: Dad she also says she's fifteen and lives in Iowa!

He was trusting her word. I tried to make him see that there was little chance that somebody was sneaking into the house to put dentures under furniture. There was no partnership between the tooth fairy and Easter Bunny; dentures are not being hidden around the house for happy children to find.

The best solution was to tell him that SHE was confused or just being stubborn and that he should keep trying to get her to accept her teeth. He must have found ways because they were usually in her mouth when we would visit.

"How's Mom?" became a dreaded question. You could talk to Dad and he would say that everything was fine and dandy. Then ask about Mom, "Oh she's fine"
US: Really Dad? Are her teeth in?
Dad: Let me check.... She's laying on the floor.
Us: OH NO! Dad what happened?!
Dad: Well I don't know.
Dad had forgotten whatever had happened to make Mom struggle enough to roll out of bed. We didn't want him to try to pick her up and hurt himself, so we would get him to ask a neighbor for help. We could call on neighbors too. Most everyone was very sympathetic to Dad's refusing to put Mom in a facility. Faced with the fear of being put away themselves, the neighbors in this retirement community were far more helpful than younger ones might have been.
We needed friendly neighbors, Mom and Dad lived two hours away. It wasn't like we could jump in the car and go on a denture hunt just like that. We did, however spend most of our free time going down there to ease Dad's burden. Sometimes we would arrive and find Mom laying on the floor, happy as a clam, and waving at us. "Hello girls!" like it was all perfectly normal to be spending the afternoon on the floor. My dog would be so happy to have her at this convenient level so he could love on her with ease. Mom loved Cortez - he wasn't "a licker".

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


The one on the left is carbonated and induces a more bubbly vomit

Friday, March 31, 2006

So I'm a gonna try to be a better blogger and some stuff.
So what I was getting at in my earlier post is that humor can keep you well. If it doesn't seem to be working, take it up a notch and it will make you goofy enough that you don't give a shit.

My mother was wonderful. We were really good friends. She was my Yoda - my spiritual advisor who could take me from utter despair to seeing the light with just a few manipulative phrases.
My Dad was a truly unique person. No one else like him. As a child I didn't really appreciate him as much as I should have. I saw his approach to life as far too simple. My mother was as complicated I was, (am). I was considered to be gifted in art. She bought me french drawing papers and oil pastels. Dad would lovingly offer up a new box of crayons. I would scoff, turn on my heels and go on some diatribe about the disgustingly waxy nature of the common crayon. It breaks my heart now to imagine his feelings of dijection.
The irony is that I got my artistic talent from him; but he didn't have a mother who could afford to buy him oil pastels. His parents were imigrants (that's IMIGRANTS - LEGAL ONES!) He attended some school function with his mother and they went to view the winners of the artistic achievement awards. One of his drawings was there! On closer examination, it was presented as being the work of another student. Some talentless kid kid took my Dad's drawing and entered it as his own and won a prize. His mother did nothing... She was afraid to make any waves in the country that she was grateful to be a part of. (What a SHARP contrast to the recent antics of the sewage that has rapantly leaked its way from Mexico to California. I am not refering to people as sewage but rather, to the notions of entitlement and of course the turds that fall directly from the generous bunghole of Presidente Fox)

Dad was a man with a tootsie roll center and as just as Mr. Owl pointed out, it only took three licks to get to it. His sweetness was nearly inhuman; Paraleled only by my cousin Melinda who is not a blood relative of my Dad but posesses this same "Alien" quality of having no malice. When he tried to get mad, one could see that it required a great deal of effort. His attempts at acting were as pathetic as Bob Saget's. I suppose Dad was trying to rely on some sense of corporate protocol when disciplining us kids. He became very formal in reprimanding us. Like it was all going into some recorded memorandum. (This essence of formality is so like my boy. I do, often acknowledge the POSSIBILTY that my son's autism comes from MY side of the family, but I get FAR more satisfaction from blaming it on his father's side and believe me, their gene pool is much more murky than ours!)
His efforts at being fearsome, alas did not incite fear, they produced laughter.
I will never forget the site of my father in the hallway with my brother, Chris. My bother's room was at the end of this hall and Dad was sort of trying to back him into his "cage" with a chair in one hand and a yardstick in the other. Chris was on the floor, doubled over, laughing. When he finally composed himself enough to speak, he pointed at Dad and shouted to me and my sister "Look at him, he's a Lion Tamer!!!"
Well we all had to laugh.
Dad with his chair and yardstick, his kids laughing at him. It was enough to actually piss him off but instead he laughed too.

Born on August 4 1917. A LEO!

So I talked about Dad - this was NOT what I planned

Blogs have a mind of their own!
Duck and Cover!!


Sony Playstation 2: $150.00

Guitar Hero Game: $70.00

Hearing my son mangle the words to "Killer Queen": Priceless

"To avoid complications, she never kept the same address. In conversation, she spoke just like a marionette.
Met a man from China, went down to her vagina
and then again accidentally if you know how to climb"
Michael, 03/06

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What Broke My Spirit

So why am I now fat and lazy and bored and have dented body parts?
Wasn't I tremendously fit just two years ago?

In the first place I lost weight while smoking.
Quitting cigarettes is a request for at least 15 pounds. I got the two for one deal, I gained thirty.

I foolishly decided to take life by the shirt cuff. I wanted everyting. I wanted success and in order to achieve this I needed to be in shape.
I worked it..I got there...well almost, not good enough for MY standards. but I could look in a mirror and like what I saw.
I could look at photos of me and like them too.

But I lost I gained it..I gained it all back.
Well there is the obvious, quitting smoking.
Yes I quit having "smokey treats" - Cigarettes.
But mostly it was the emotional crap that drove me straight to Taco Bell.

My parents died
and they took a long time doing it.

While this was sad enough to pack the pounds on me... It wasn't without it's funny points. THAT is the good thing I got from the experience..
There is laughter...EVERYWHERE

Monday, February 20, 2006

OK I Get It

I hate when things are so simple! That ALWAYS confuses me! Thanks Baby Jewels! You are a gem!
OK is THIS how I make a new post?

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Look Ma, I Made a Blog!

For some reason the idea of a blog has been appealing to me. I decided I wanted one so I've sat myself down and made myself do it. I wanted to get this far before my trip to Banning. Why Banning? Why not? It's such an elegant town. Actually, it is because I own half a house there. Our parents died and left my sister and me their house. It has been empty for two years and still not cleared out enough to rent it out. We hope to rent it furnished to save us the burden of getting rid of the furniture. So all we have to do is get the personal effects out of there. Why does this take two years? Because my sister is sentimental and I am a stone cold heartless bitch. Just ask my manager that I recently fired after 14 years. He will definitely concur. I say we should get an estate seller in there and gut the place if it can't be rented furnished but this only redefines me as a person with no regard for memories and a despicable lack of desire for living in the past.

I have recently adopted the philosophy "When in doubt, throw it out" I'm getting good at that, at least when it comes to other people's stuff. When it comes to various Happy Meal toys, packaging with bad Engrish, pop bottles, Hello Kitty items and many other useless collections, I become Gollum, "My PRECIOUS!" In a quick move to get my son's play room cleared up enough for his new drum kit, I threw away so many of his toys that he would have cried and hung on to. When he'd leave the room I would bag them. He has never ever missed any of these things since. This new attitude however, has done little for the state of my house which is just a wreck. I am no housekeeper but I need to try.

My goals are to keep the house in order and lose 35 pounds. Oh yeah, it would be nice to have a job too. You, the reader, can enjoy my FASCINATING odyssey of trying to accomplish these things.

Now I must be on my way to the library, I have to have a book on tape for the 2+ hour drive to and from.