Friday, April 28, 2006

Proof That I Have Gone Insane

I really really do like the Andy Milinakis Show.
I just got Wondershowzen but it is trying too hard to be offensive and it is using REAL children to do so. Me no likie the Wondershowzen... but I'd still work for the show.
Andy Milinakis is FABOOO!
It's just the stupidest shit I've ever seen.
Andy is the REAL Peewee Herman.
At first I was really dissapointed that he is not a kid. Since we bought the first season on DVD (because my son BEGGED ME, and it is not bad for kids) I have grown to love him.
He is a man that looks like a child, this is his reality and this is how he deals with it.
I think he rocks!

That's kinda scary.
What's even scarier is how much I relate to the old lady with the big glasses that he has on his show. Her name is Rivka.
I can sound just like her.
I can SOON BE just like her.
I hope that when I go nuts with age that I can find me a chubby boy to play with!
I want chicken drumsticks on MY head.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Nothing Cuter

"Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo!" This is what I keep saying ad nauseum to anybody that I instant message on Yahoo.
I don't know where I found this image or who originally photoshopped it. Feel free to contact or sue me. I would love to meet you as I have gotten such joy from it.

I have made this my avatar on Yahoo IM.

I find myself, at times when I'm not sure what to say, just typing "Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo". Sometimes I just can't help it, I look over and it all hits me: the innocence, the joy. It's so sweet.

I understand the smile on his face because I too, have a Hello Kitty vibrator! It's not really a DILDO, but the size is plenty for George, and he's so happy because he knows it's very rare and special.
You see Hello Kitty was just an image that Sanrio liscensed for a fee. Sanrio wasn't real discriminating. I think the direct translation of their motto to Engrish was "We like money very good! Sign contract, more money! More money make more happy. We like happy."
This is why you used to see stores like Hot Topic sporting Hello Kitty punk gear. Sometimes they even had Kitty doing things like flipping the bird. They probably told the geniuses at Sanrio "This is how Americans say 'Yay Japan!'"

There is a Hello Kitty gun, Vespa, car, tooth caps and I hear there is a coffin but have not confirmed that. I know for certain that there is / was a Hello Kitty vibrator; I'm looking at my very own. Sanrio finally got a clue and realized that they had pimped Kitty carelessly, the most obvious example being the sex toy. They tried to stop production but legally could not. They diligently sought any way that they could bring this manufacturer of meat substitutes down and fianlly did. TAXES!
Pleasure Kitty is no longer being made. Mine is very rare, she is sitting on my computer staying warm. She has never been out of the box (ahem, packaging) until last night. My son came in...

"Mommy you never use that pen."
"It's not a pen."
"What is it?"
"Um, it's a ...personal massager... Yeah, for sore shoulders and stuff!"
"I want to try!!!"
"No, no no! It's a collector's item! Never been out of the box (ahem, packaging)
"Please Mom!! I promise I'll be careful!"
I become aware that my son is begging me to let him use my vibrator.
"Well... OK, just this once!"
I had to show him how to turn it on.
He held it to his shoulder, then neck then made some really innapropriate giggling sounds and coments on how it tickled. Then he was done.
"See Mommy, I didn't break it!"
I put Kitty back in her box, ahem... packaging.

Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Now I REALLY Love Japan

That's right, it's beer for kids!

The Japanese company behind Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic beverage that looks like the real thing, is apparently shipping 75,000 bottles of the stuff a month. From The Japan Times:
Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults.

"If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining."

The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

"Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," reads the product's advertising slogan.

Of course the perfect companion to this is the book "Baby Make Me a Drink" which helps toddlers stop being such useless life forms and teaches them a useful skill that helps keep parents happy!

Monday, April 17, 2006

No Me Gusta!

Tax deadline today. I REALLY resent giving money to a government that is selling our future to corporate America. I especially detest shelling money out to this State of California when my dollars are being spent on the people of another country. My son will see none of it but will inherit the problems that the new frontier will bring. He will IF we stay here, which I hope we don't. There is no future for a kid as lilly white as my son; no GOOD future. WE pay our taxes while our state goes bankrupt, buckling under the financial burden that is the illegal population.

NO, THEY DO NOT PROVIDE ANYTHING BENEFICIAL TO THE ECONOMY!!! Anybody with two IQ points to rub together can figure out the math on this! The drain to the state economy is enormous. Migrant workers are pretty much exploited and since their kids are given instant citizenship, they feel they should not have to do these hard labor jobs. We then need to import MORE migrant workers who understand the terrible life they are fleeing and really DO work their butts off. However, by the time their bodies are giving out due to the strenuous labor, they have learned how to get disability and other things that should never be made available to non US citizens. What other country is so stupid? Do you think you could get benefits in Mexico?

Don't tell me they do the jobs that we won't do! They have taken the jobs and done them so cheaply that they are no longer available to us. The average contractor who hires Americans can't compete with the bid that a contractor who hires illegals can make. The result is that more blue collar Americans get laid off to be replaced by illegals. The American can keep his job if he is willing to work at a rate that will make it necessary for him to live in a house with two other families...the American way of life takes a huge nose dive. Welcome to the third world, Mr. U.S. citizen. It's right in your backyard!
The middle class is becoming extinct.
What about our kids? I think every young person should work at least one shit job in their life but McDonalds won't even hire anybody who doesn't speak Spanish. (Funny how the same rule doesn't apply to speaking English - SO ass backwards - but I always knew that clown was evil)
Who really benefits from this situation? Big Business.
Who pays off our politicians? Big Business.
Who runs our country? Big Business.

Why is California bankrupt? Because the politicians have catered to corporate America and all parties are courting the hispanic vote with blind greed and no consideration for future generations. What is California's largest import? A third world lifestyle that we will ALL inherit . Don't think it affects you? You might feel very differently when you or a loved one are in an ambulence that is turned away by an overburdened hospital. We have lost 84 hospitals that have collapsed under the financial burden of caring for uninsured and undocumented people who crowd emergency rooms with non emergency illness as it is their only choice for helthcare. It's that, and the endless parade of women in labor. If you live in another state, don't believe that this is a far away problem, remember, California is a trend setter. What happens here, points to the future of the rest of the country. This place is too far gone, no hope here. Learn a lesson and SAVE your own state!!!

Manwhile, I have designed a new flag for the state that I hope to soon leave.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Future Youth

After being such a clever boy and clipping coupons, I decided to reward my child by letting him use some of the coupons he had clipped. Unfortunately for me, these were coupons for Chuck E. Cheese...THE gambling casino for ages 3+

And so we went. I enjoyed a not so gentle reminder of why I don't like crowds and experienced a slice of the pizza pie that is American society.

Being a bit of a Skeeball fan, I am rather appalled at the number of PARENTS that tell their children to just walk up the Skeeball ramp and STICK your ball in the 1000,00 point hole, score loads of tickets..wee!
There are no RULES, there is only the selfish need for your own gain.
I couldn't help but shout out to the little girl, loud enough for her white trash father to hear.."Isn't it FUN to cheat???"
Looking around, the future of humanity is looking sad and the future of this country is hopeless.

The folks that would make the best parents are either not having children or are responsible enough to not want to increase their numbers, they limit their offspring to one or two.
The ignorant will always breed like insects. Ignorance is not just limited to po folk and those who come from the South of a non existent border. While there has always been a correlation between the number of missing teeth and the number of offspring, their is also a relationship to how fundamentally religious one is. Again, ignorance is the key. So if the ignorant, irresponsible people are having the majority of our future citizens, how could life possibly get anything but worse?

People are not having families, they are shitting babies.
Every Turd is a demographic point.
Every turd a VOTE (even if you have to hold up a little chunk of turd and help it make a punch hole because this is too difficult for them)

Back to day to day...
My sister and I were waiting forever for somebody to let us turn into a parking place as they all whizzed by in the overcrowded parking lot, in our overcrowded suburb. Nobody has the time to pause to be courteous, nobody thinks that good will might start with THEM. NOBODY takes on that responsibility* They leave that to the next guy. Finally somebody gave us that courtesy; of course he had white hair. What Tom Brokaw called "The Greatest Generation" are a dying breed and are not being replaced. I will always miss them and I live among people who never knew them. They really missed out.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


OK It is time to confess.
I am head over heels in love with Sasha Baron Cohen.
OK I never met him
So what?
OK he's engaged.
So what?
I don't love him THAT way...
Oh but look at his hands... just look at his hands...the most beautiful hands and how I wish they were...
OK, Enough.
The point is that this man is a comedic genius and as far as I'm concerned he has no equal.
He will be acknowledged for "Da Alli G Show" But MY favorite character of his is
I LOVE Borat!
I AM Borat!
Yes I really am, My main character on WoW is "Iamborat" (WoW is a reference to "World of Warcraft" the online role playing game that is curently eating my brain)

Borat Movie coming soon!

You should love him too

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Trouble Squared

We began to realize that Dad was falling apart under the pressure of taking care of Mom.
Mom was pretty darned selfish for most of her life, particularly in her relationship with Dad. Now in this bed ridden state, she was VERY dependant on him. Obviously, she would be. But her insecurities ran so far that she couldn't let him out of her site.
She would ask for something and he would go get it for her but she couldn't handle him being gone.
Dad was so overworked he slept whevever he could. This made Mom feel alone so she would shout at him just to make sure he was awake.
If that didn't work, she threw her teeth at him.
After hitting him square in the head a few times she learned that this was a very effective means of communication. She used it often, and while she could no longer walk, her throwing aim was impressive.

We realized that Dad's mind had also packed it's bags on one particular call.
Diane and I would 3-way call and Dad was usually sharp enough to understand that the call was from his "Two Headed Daughter". We would ask how things were, and he would say that all was quite well.
We knew better.
"How's Mom?"
"Oh she's fine but you know she just won't get out of bed"
(she hasn't for a year)
US: Dad, does Mom have her teeth in?
Dad: Let me check... no she doesn't.
Us: Oh Dad, she has thrown her teeth again. Do you know where they are, did you find them?
Dad: Well yes, I found SOME teeth...
Us: Dad, those are Mom's teeth...
Dad: Well you would think so..
Us: Yes, we would think so...
Dad: She says they're not her's.
Us: Dad she also says she's fifteen and lives in Iowa!

He was trusting her word. I tried to make him see that there was little chance that somebody was sneaking into the house to put dentures under furniture. There was no partnership between the tooth fairy and Easter Bunny; dentures are not being hidden around the house for happy children to find.

The best solution was to tell him that SHE was confused or just being stubborn and that he should keep trying to get her to accept her teeth. He must have found ways because they were usually in her mouth when we would visit.

"How's Mom?" became a dreaded question. You could talk to Dad and he would say that everything was fine and dandy. Then ask about Mom, "Oh she's fine"
US: Really Dad? Are her teeth in?
Dad: Let me check.... She's laying on the floor.
Us: OH NO! Dad what happened?!
Dad: Well I don't know.
Dad had forgotten whatever had happened to make Mom struggle enough to roll out of bed. We didn't want him to try to pick her up and hurt himself, so we would get him to ask a neighbor for help. We could call on neighbors too. Most everyone was very sympathetic to Dad's refusing to put Mom in a facility. Faced with the fear of being put away themselves, the neighbors in this retirement community were far more helpful than younger ones might have been.
We needed friendly neighbors, Mom and Dad lived two hours away. It wasn't like we could jump in the car and go on a denture hunt just like that. We did, however spend most of our free time going down there to ease Dad's burden. Sometimes we would arrive and find Mom laying on the floor, happy as a clam, and waving at us. "Hello girls!" like it was all perfectly normal to be spending the afternoon on the floor. My dog would be so happy to have her at this convenient level so he could love on her with ease. Mom loved Cortez - he wasn't "a licker".

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


The one on the left is carbonated and induces a more bubbly vomit