Monday, November 12, 2012


I write this on November 25, 2010: An update will follow, when I get around to it.

I  do not believe in abusive partners. Co-dependancy is not a language I speak.  While relationships can be very complicated things to see clearly when you are inside them and you can find yourself slowly lured into a place you would never have agreed to had you seen it from the entrance, I was raised to have enough self esteem to know when I’m being compromised in a way that is not acceptable.  When it comes to any physical abuse,  game over.  That’s just not negotiable. I’ve never had much experience with that  attitude being challenged because I’ve never been attracted to the kind of men who have the need to display physical domination over women. Machismo? No thank you.
So why am I sitting here with an ice pack on my face where I got hit? I’m hoping I can keep it from swelling and turning into a black eye because I have a pitch meeting to go to tomorrow. I don’t want people to think the wrong thing.  People see a woman with a black eye and immediately assume she’s in an abusive relationship. One has to wonder what is wrong with this woman to make her put up with such things. What makes this bad is that it would not be the wrong assumption. Yes I am in an abusive relationship I have to be honest with myself about that.
So why am I? How can I be in an abusive relationship? I look at how every door in this house is cracked from being kicked in. My vacuum cleaner has a broken handle because it was thrown to the floor several times replacing me as a punching bag in a fit of rage. There are holes in the walls and plastic replaces a broken window. Remote controls don’t last long around here because they get thrown. They hit the wall or the floor but they are usually aimed at me. I have needed to wear long sleeves in the summer to cover bruises and bite marks – yes, bite marks!
We’ve gotten professional help. We’ve been in some form of counseling for years, we seem to move forward but then move back. The criticism and lack of respect eat at my self esteem and focus. The stress makes me scatter brained and compromises my short term memory. Sometimes I want to leave, I really do. I get in the car but rarely go further than around the block before I come back. I park somewhere and cry into my cell phone to a friend that is close enough that I am not embarrassed to discuss it with them. I don't want  people to know; I don't want them to think he is a bad person. He has such a wonderful side. After a while, he calls to say he's sorry and I know it's safe go back home.  
I really can’t live without him.
I can’t, I won’t. I am dedicated to him. He is my life. 
I love him unconditionally.
I refuse to  give up on him! We will work on this, it WILL get better! We will try other therapists. He can go on meds. Something will have to work because I don't want to live without him.
I can't leave him. 
He is my son.


CaliGirl9 said...

I wish I could help... you love that boy so much. I can only hope someday he knows just how much, and how much you have done for him.

Cindi Neumann said...

Been there done that to a certain extent...not sure about the issues with your son, but I know I had my share of struggles as my son went through the land mind of puberty. I wish you and him the best and he can find a more suitable outlet for his anger.

Susan said...

I actually am starting a private blog for other mothers who can relate. It's really been awful - in a way that I don;t want to make too public. YET.... ARRGH, I know that I would want to talk to somebody elkse that was going through this.

Of course the system makes things funnier. It's really quite absurd. Ihad behaviorists call animal control because I was foster parenting kittens. Animal Control came over and nearly awarded me a medal! The guy was from the same shelter that trained me.
The system will often trump up their cases so they can get court orders for their services (Job and budget reassurance) These attitudes ONLY teach the children that therapy is a game of manipulation.

I dare say Mike is in the right hands now. With less than 2 years before he becomes an adult and can be completely F-d by the system, we must work fast!
Thanks guys, I really did need to let it out a little.

Maria Therese said...

I am so sorry! I want you to know that you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!
Maria in Mass

George Zent said...

Susan, I read your blog on abuse just now. I also lived in a very abusive relationship with a young man who has Asperger's Syndrome. I am in a wheelchair myself and thought that we could help each other, he helped my physical limitations and I could help his psychological and socializing problems. At first that worked fine, but after a few months he became violently abusive toward me, throwing me to the floor, choking me, hitting me, even shooting me with a BB gun.

I have since had him arrested for Assault 2 and Domestic Violence. I have great gratitude toward you in writing that Blog post. That is something I desperately needed to hear.

He does not really understand what is happening legally, and does not understand why I have a restraining order against him. How do I get him to understand what he did and how it is not only inappropriate, but dangerous and highly illegal?