LaddersandAlcohol

My Take on Obama's Cairo Speech

2011-07-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

Read Along Fun! Obama's speech is in black type and my rant in red

I am honored to be in the timeless city of Cairo, and to be hosted by two remarkable institutions. For over a thousand years, Al-Azhar has stood as a beacon of Islamic learning, and for over a century, Cairo University has been a source of Egypt's advancement. Together, you represent the harmony between tradition and progress. I am grateful for your hospitality, and the hospitality of the people of Egypt. I am also proud to carry with me the goodwill of the American people, and a greeting of peace from Muslim communities in my country: assalaamu alaykum.

We meet at a time of tension between the United States and Muslims around the world – tension rooted in historical forces that go beyond any current policy debate. The relationship between Islam and the West includes centuries of co-existence and cooperation, but also conflict and religious wars. More recently, tension has been fed by colonialism that denied rights and opportunities to many Muslims, and a Cold War in which Muslim-majority countries were too often treated as proxies without regard to their own aspirations. Moreover, the sweeping change brought by modernity and globalization led many Muslims to view the West as hostile to the traditions of Islam.

I love how he assumes it is up to America to achieve co-existence. He only recognizes what the West has done while ignoring the Islamic imperative to make war against and subjugate non Muslims. This assumption that Islamists hate us because of what WE have done is a foolish notion and admitting such a notion is a dangerous move.

Violent extremists have exploited these tensions in a small but potent minority of Muslims. The attacks of September 11th, 2001 and the continued efforts of these extremists to engage in violence against civilians has led some in my country to view Islam as inevitably hostile not only to America and Western countries, but also to human rights. This has bred more fear and mistrust.

Yet violent extremists are following the religion's texts and it's prophet's example so there is reason for the fear and mistrust.

So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, and who promote conflict rather than the cooperation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity. This cycle of suspicion and discord must end.

This statement is well directed at Muslims.

I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles – principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.

Hello, my name is Barry and I believe in fairies, unicorns, big foot and Islam as a religion of peace.

Of course there is no mention of Sharia law which prevents justice, progress, tolerance and dignity of non believers and women.

I do so recognizing that change cannot happen overnight. No single speech can eradicate years of mistrust, nor can I answer in the time that I have all the complex questions that brought us to this point. But I am convinced that in order to move forward, we must say openly the things we hold in our hearts, and that too often are said only behind closed doors. There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground. As the Holy Koran tells us, "Be conscious of God and speak always the truth." That is what I will try to do – to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us, and firm in my belief that the interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart.

Of course this same Holy Koran (HOLY???) also allows lying as long as it is to non Muslims and is done in order to further Islam's agendas. This is called “al taqiyya” . A good percentage of this speech is taqiyya.

Part of this conviction is rooted in my own experience. I am a Christian, but my father came from a Kenyan family that includes generations of Muslims.

Note that he avoids saying his father was a Muslim, which would open him up to charges of apostasy and make him eligible for the death penalty.

As a boy, I spent several years in Indonesia and heard the call of the azaan at the break of dawn and the fall of dusk. As a young man, I worked in Chicago communities where many found dignity and peace in their Muslim faith.

As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam. It was Islam – at places like Al-Azhar University – that carried the light of learning through so many centuries, paving the way for Europe's Renaissance and Enlightenment. It was innovation in Muslim communities that developed the order of algebra; our magnetic compass and tools of navigation; our mastery of pens and printing; our understanding of how disease spreads and how it can be healed. Islamic culture has given us majestic arches and soaring spires; timeless poetry and cherished music; elegant calligraphy and places of peaceful contemplation. And throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality.

Yes, there was a time when Islamic culture was more advanced than that of Europeans, but that superiority corresponds exactly to the period when Muslims were able to draw on and advance the achievements of Byzantine and other civilizations. Islamic progress is almost always the progress of a parasite drawing off the host. When the Muslim overlords had taken what they could from their subjugated peoples, and the Jewish and Christian communities had been stripped of their material and intellectual wealth and thoroughly subdued, Islam went into a period of intellectual decline from which it has not yet recovered. This is part of why they have such a thirst to conquer again. It's been a while since they could boast of the booty they gleaned from their victims.

I know, too, that Islam has always been a part of America's story. The first nation to recognize my country was Morocco. In signing the Treaty of Tripoli in 1796, our second President John Adams wrote, "The United States has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Muslims."

HELLO!!!??? The treaty of Tripoli was the solution for our first encounter with Islamic terrorism! Barbary pirates were attacking our ships and taking booty and selling the captives into slavery (the slave trade funded Islam) WHY? Because we did not believe in Islam so they had the right to attack non believers - just like they still do.

"The United States has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Muslims." What a shame that statement does not apply to Islam's views of the rest of the world. For Islam, the world is divided into two parts, Dar al Islam and Dar al Harb which means “House of Islam and House of War” There is only Islam (which means “submission) all the rest of the world is to be at war with until ALL submit. THAT is the main point and goal of Islam.

And since our founding, American Muslims have enriched the United States. They have fought in our wars, served in government, stood for civil rights, started businesses, taught at our Universities, excelled in our sports arenas, won Nobel Prizes, built our tallest building, and lit the Olympic Torch.

Won Nobel prizES? Ahmed Zewail the only U.S.-based Muslim to have won a Nobel Prize. But wait, didn't Obama win a Nobel peace prize? Of course he's not a Muslim but he proved it doesn't take much to win one of those things. Arrafat got one too I suppose that was for all of his efforts towards peace.

And when the first Muslim-American was recently elected to Congress, he took the oath to defend our Constitution using the same Holy Koran that one of our Founding Fathers – Thomas Jefferson – kept in his personal library.

Thomas Jefferson purchased that Qu'ran in order to try to figure out how to deal with these Barbary Pirates as they did not honor the treaty they signed and continued to demand tribute (extort money) as the price for safe passage. His conclusion: That these people could not be reasoned with! They would respond only to their own language, the language of war!

The goal of the Muslim Brotherhood is stated clearly to destroy the West from within it's “miserable house” The senate is close enough to the house and seems a logical place to start. fact that the Muslim Keith Elllison infiltrated our congress and added insult to injury by using this Qu'ran to be sworn in, would have Jefferson spinning in his grave. To be sworn in using a bookkk that promises to eradicate any other system of government other than Sharia is like using Mein Kampf in a Bar Mitsvah.

So I have known Islam on three continents before coming to the region where it was first revealed.

"First revealed" Rather than just say where it originated or “started” he chooses the word “revealed” By doing so, he is acknowledging that he believes Islam to be a revealed faith - brought about by means of a divine, supernatural force dictating it. Some might say Islam was the result of an insane man having seizures in a cave. (I favor that view)

That experience guides my conviction that partnership between America and Islam must be based on what Islam is, not what it isn't.

Um, yeah, so when are you going to cut the crap and talk about what Islam really is?

And I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear.

Would that include all occasions when Jihadists kill innocent people in the name of Islam? That sounds like a good plan to me. I would say these acts are the main contributor to those negative stereotypes. Now what about negative stereotypes of Jews that promote attacks. After all, when it comes to hate crimes in America, Jews are the most attacked group of all and Muslims are the least. Oh they don't get your support or protection eh? Did you get these attitudes from that lovely church you went to where Jeremiah Wright preached anti antisemitism? Oh wait a minute. In twenty years of attending services you never heard him say any of those things. But in no time at all people dug up his racist propaganda on YouTube. Isn't the internet amazing? No wonder you need Cass Sunstein to control it.

But that same principle must apply to Muslim perceptions of America. Just as Muslims do not fit a crude stereotype, America is not the crude stereotype of a self-interested empire. The United States has been one of the greatest sources of progress that the world has ever known. We were born out of revolution against an empire. We were founded upon the ideal that all are created equal, and we have shed blood and struggled for centuries to give meaning to those words – within our borders, and around the world. We are shaped by every culture, drawn from every end of the Earth, and dedicated to a simple concept: E pluribus unum: "Out of many, one."

Thank you Barry, you finally spoke well of the country you serve. That doesn't happen very often does it? But you might have also included a bit about all the tons of money we give to support Islamic societies even thought that money is often misused and even funds terrorism.

Much has been made of the fact that an African-American with the name Barack Hussein Obama could be elected President.

Indeed, it was even considered "racist" and "Islamophobic" to mention the President's middle name. It was criticized as an attempt to remind people that the name was shared with Saddam Hussein and that would be an unfair subliminal comparison. I can agree with that and I would also agree not to overuse the name because of it's real impact: an American president with such an Arabic middle name tells the Muslim world that Islam has infiltrated America and is now in the White house. Seems curious that once you were elected, the ban on the name was lifted and you began using your middle name quite a lot.

But my personal story is not so unique. The dream of opportunity for all people has not come true for everyone in America, but its promise exists for all who come to our shores – that includes nearly seven million American Muslims in our country today who enjoy incomes and education that are higher than average.

"Nearly seven million American Muslims" I am grateful that this is an inflated figure.

Moreover, freedom in America is indivisible from the freedom to practice one's religion. That is why there is a mosque in every state of our union, and over 1,200 mosques within our borders.

And that's in spite of studies that revel that 80% of them promote the overthrow of the American government. We have laws against sedition but we suspend our laws to accommodate religion. Isn't that nice?

That is why the U.S. government has gone to court to protect the right of women and girls to wear the hi jab, and to punish those who would deny it.

A curious misuse of American law. If I am not allowed to walk into a bank wearing a ski mask, how is it alright for a Muslim woman to wear a hi jab? This is about safety and security and those laws should prevail over religious law! This is still America and our laws are still secular (no matter how much the religious right want to instate their own form of Christian Sharia) Is it Islamophobic of me to notice the vast amount of dangerous things that can be concealed in a burqa? Is it intolerant of me to see the bagging of women as sexist because it is done to prevent a woman's body from being seen as that would be her invitation to rape? In Sharia a woman's entire body is considered a sex organ (because a woman's entire being is considered a sex object) a man is not expected to control any urges he may get so if a woman reveals her body, it is considered an invitation to rape. Pardon me if I see this practice as inconsistent with American human rights and find it offensive. What a shame Mr. President that you do not see the infraction of secular law as an opportunity to draw the line where it needs to be drawn in order to protect the citizens of the country who hired you and pay your salary. But that's not really the way you see things is it?

So let there be no doubt: Islam is a part of America. And I believe that America holds within her the truth that regardless of race, religion, or station in life, all of us share common aspirations – to live in peace and security; to get an education and to work with dignity; to love our families, our communities, and our God. These things we share. This is the hope of all humanity.

OK that's pretty much the way we see things over here in the U Sofa. Now how bout you Muslim nations do the same? Please? How about acknowledging the Islamic supremacist agenda that denies the hope of all humanity to all who do not worship Allah.

Of course, recognizing our common humanity is only the beginning of our task. Words alone cannot meet the needs of our people. These needs will be met only if we act boldly in the years ahead; and if we understand that the challenges we face are shared, and our failure to meet them will hurt us all. For we have learned from recent experience that when a financial system weakens in one country, prosperity is hurt everywhere. When a new flu infects one human being, all are at risk. When one nation pursues a nuclear weapon, the risk of nuclear attack rises for all nations. When violent extremists operate in one stretch of mountains, people are endangered across an ocean. And when innocents in Bosnia and Darfur are slaughtered, that is a stain on our collective conscience.

This would be great and it looks like you are finally addressing the Muslim world except you picked two places where you believe that the chief victims are Muslims.

That is what it means to share this world in the 21st century. That is the responsibility we have to one another as human beings.

I agree, totally.

This is a difficult responsibility to embrace. For human history has often been a record of nations and tribes subjugating one another to serve their own interests.

I am assuming this is again directed at the Emma (Islamic world) for they wrote the book on subjugation of other people (it's called the Qu'ran) Christians and Jews are allowed to live and practice their religion but live in subjugation (dissimilitude) and pay a tax (the Jidda). Of course they are the lucky ones. All other faiths have only two choices: convert or die.

Yet in this new age, such attitudes are self-defeating. Given our interdependence, any world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will inevitably fail. So whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners of it. Our problems must be dealt with through partnership; progress must be shared. That does not mean we should ignore sources of tension.

So this must be why you invited members of the Muslim Brotherhood to the speech. The Brotherhood is dedicated, in its own words, to "eliminating and destroying the Western civilization from within and 'sabotaging' its miserable house by their hands and the hands of the believers so that it is eliminated and God's religion is made victorious over all other religions." Yes we must not ignore such sources of tension., but I must say I question why you would appoint them to positions of power. http://www.examiner.com/conservative-in-national/report-obama-quietly-appoints-muslim-brotherhood-to-key-posts

Indeed, it suggests the opposite: we must face these tensions squarely. And so in that spirit, let me speak as clearly and plainly as I can about some specific issues that I believe we must finally confront together.

The first issue that we have to confront is violent extremism in all of its forms.

In Ankara, I made clear that America is not – and never will be – at war with Islam.

Well I'm sorry Mr. President but Islam is and has always been at war with America and declaring otherwise doesn't make it so. While it has been going on for as long as America has been a nation (Barbary coast pirates) and Islam has always considered itself at war with non believers, Osama Bin Laden made it official in 1996. Refusal to see this is dangerously blind. You can say that you are not a fighter until you are blue in the face. But if somebody comes up and cold cocks you, guess what? You're in a fight.

We will, however, relentlessly confront violent extremists who pose a grave threat to our security. Because we reject the same thing that people of all faiths reject: the killing of innocent men, women, and children. And it is my first duty as President to protect the American people.

That would be nice but the definition of innocent is different in Islam. No non Muslim is considered innocent so even a small baby born to infidel parents is fair game.

The situation in Afghanistan demonstrates America's goals, and our need to work together. Over seven years ago, the United States pursued al Qaeda and the Taliban with broad international support. We did not go by choice, we went because of necessity. I am aware that some question or justify the events of 9/11. But let us be clear: al Qaeda killed nearly 3,000 people on that day. The victims were innocent men, women and children from America and many other nations who had done nothing to harm anybody. And yet Al Qaeda chose to ruthlessly murder these people, claimed credit for the attack, and even now states their determination to kill on a massive scale. They have affiliates in many countries and are trying to expand their reach. These are not opinions to be debated; these are facts to be dealt with.

Make no mistake: we do not want to keep our troops in Afghanistan. We seek no military bases there. It is agonizing for America to lose our young men and women. It is costly and politically difficult to continue this conflict. We would gladly bring every single one of our troops home if we could be confident that there were not violent extremists in Afghanistan and Pakistan determined to kill as many Americans as they possibly can.

Good!

But that is not yet the case.

Bummer!

That's why we're partnering with a coalition of forty-six countries. And despite the costs involved, America's commitment will not weaken. Indeed, none of us should tolerate these extremists. They have killed in many countries.

Yes!

They have killed people of different faiths – more than any other, they have killed Muslims. Their actions are irreconcilable with the rights of human beings, the progress of nations, and with Islam.

Yes...

The Holy Koran teaches that whoever kills an innocent, it is as if he has killed all mankind; and whoever saves a person, it is as if he has saved all mankind.

Again this depends on the interpretation of “innocent” which can only mean a Muslim. This is Surah 5:32 It is often used to show that the Qu'ran is against killing. It was originally directed at Jews but let's not nit pick shall we? Let's pretend that Allah and his messenger were speaking to the Muslim people, because that is more convenient. However, it is not convenient to include the following verse which says what should happen to someone who kills an innocent Surah 5:33: The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Hereafter;

So this passage is only a warning of what can and should happen to anyone who kills a Muslim certainly no evidence that Islam disproves of killing. If that were remotely true, the prophet himself would be in great disagreement with his own religion for beheading 700 people simply for being Jews (and that was just in one day) Killing of non Muslims who offend the religion of piss (an unfortunate typo no doubt) in any way is perfectly condoned in Islamic scripture and further exemplified in the life deeds of the Prophet. Trying to convey an opposite meaning is a deliberate deception.

The enduring faith of over a billion people is so much bigger than the narrow hatred of a few. Islam is not part of the problem in combating violent extremism – it is an important part of promoting peace.

I beg to differ, texts like the one above prove that it is Islam itself that is the main stumbling block to peace.

We also know that military power alone is not going to solve the problems in Afghanistan and Pakistan. That is why we plan to invest $1.5 billion each year over the next five years to partner with Pakistanis to build schools and hospitals, roads and businesses, and hundreds of millions to help those who have been displaced. And that is why we are providing more than $2.8 billion to help Afghans develop their economy and deliver services that people depend upon.

This is based on the naive assumption that violent jihad will go away if we use kindness. Sadly this has never worked and is only seen as weakness. Didn't Dhimmi Carter prove that? Even grade school kids know that if you give the school bully your lunch money, he will be back the next day for more. Throwing money at Islam only goes to fuel terrorism and bleeds the American economy. It would seem that the latter is the primary objective of your presidency. You certainly have a talent for it.

Let me also address the issue of Iraq. Unlike Afghanistan, Iraq was a war of choice that provoked strong differences in my country and around the world. Although I believe that the Iraqi people are ultimately better off without the tyranny of Saddam Hussein, I also believe that events in Iraq have reminded America of the need to use diplomacy and build international consensus to resolve our problems whenever possible. Indeed, we can recall the words of Thomas Jefferson, who said: "I hope that our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us that the less we use our power the greater it will be."

Please stop quoting Thomas Jefferson, you have disturbed his rest enough.

Today, America has a dual responsibility: to help Iraq forge a better future – and to leave Iraq to Iraqis. I have made it clear to the Iraqi people that we pursue no bases, and no claim on their territory or resources. Iraq's sovereignty is its own. That is why I ordered the removal of our combat brigades by next August. That is why we will honor our agreement with Iraq's democratically-elected government to remove combat troops from Iraqi cities by July, and to remove all our troops from Iraq by 2012. We will help Iraq train its Security Forces and develop its economy. But we will support a secure and united Iraq as a partner, and never as a patron.

And finally, just as America can never tolerate violence by extremists, we must never alter our principles. 9/11 was an enormous trauma to our country. The fear and anger that it provoked was understandable, but in some cases, it led us to act contrary to our ideals. We are taking concrete actions to change course. I have unequivocally prohibited the use of torture by the United States, and I have ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed by early next year.

So America will defend itself respectful of the sovereignty of nations and the rule of law. And we will do so in partnership with Muslim communities which are also threatened. The sooner the extremists are isolated and unwelcome in Muslim communities, the sooner we will all be safer.

Extremists aren't even being isolated and unwelcome in NON Muslim communities. Look at Europe!

The second major source of tension that we need to discuss is the situation between Israelis, Palestinians and the Arab world.

Oy vey

America's strong bonds with Israel are well known. This bond is unbreakable. It is based upon cultural and historical ties, and the recognition that the aspiration for a Jewish homeland is rooted in a tragic history that cannot be denied.

A tragic history that has usually, if not always had Islam as a source, even in Nazi Germany, Is;am provided the inspiration and plenty of man power. The Grand Mufti of Jerusalem was BFFs with Hitler.

Around the world, the Jewish people were persecuted for centuries, and anti-Antisemitism in Europe culminated in an unprecedented Holocaust. Tomorrow, I will visit Buchenwald, which was part of a network of camps where Jews were enslaved, tortured, shot and gassed to death by the Third Reich. Six million Jews were killed – more than the entire Jewish population of Israel today. Denying that fact is baseless, ignorant, and hateful. Threatening Israel with destruction – or repeating vile stereotypes about Jews – is deeply wrong, and only serves to evoke in the minds of Israelis this most painful of memories while preventing the peace that the people of this region deserve.

On the other hand, it is also undeniable that the Palestinian people – Muslims and Christians – have suffered in pursuit of a homeland. For more than sixty years they have endured the pain of dislocation. Many wait in refugee camps in the West Bank, Gaza, and neighboring lands for a life of peace and security that they have never been able to lead. They endure the daily humiliations – large and small – that come with occupation.

Why did no one ever complain about Egyptian and Jordanian occupation of Palestinian land between 1948 and 1967, when they controlled Gaza and the West Bank?

So let there be no doubt: the situation for the Palestinian people is intolerable. America will not turn our backs on the legitimate Palestinian aspiration for dignity, opportunity, and a state of their own.

What is intolerable is that they are being forced to negotiate with people who refuse to allow for their existence. Until Palestinians love their children even as much as they hate the Jews, there can never be any progress made. The Palestinians were offered a state of their own, they refused it! If they accept one then they would have to stop playing the victim. They refuse to do so until Israel is gone. This is an impasse. One side will have to give and it is time to tell Palestine to cut the crap. Israel is a tiny gem in an Arab wasteland it is time for Palestinians to face the fact that it is not the Jews who are to blame for all their ills. It is their own backward religion that keeps their knuckles dragging in the sand. Lately this act has been working. All of your communist friends in organizations like Code Pink and other supporters of the “freedom Flotilla” who don't remember that there never was a Palestine until the UN created it in 1948 and offered half of it to the Jews as Israel. The Jews took it and created a magnificent Nation where freedom and liberty prevail and for the first time Jerusalem can be enjoyed by all three faiths. Meanwhile the Islamists grumble complain and blow their children up and claim the Jews did it. How lucky are the Palestinians that the Jews do not have the pension for hatred that they do? How lucky that they do not have the scriptures that justify the mass slaughter of their enemies.

For decades, there has been a stalemate: two peoples with legitimate aspirations, each with a painful history that makes compromise elusive. It is easy to point fingers – for Palestinians to point to the displacement brought by Israel's founding, and for Israelis to point to the constant hostility and attacks throughout its history from within its borders as well as beyond. But if we see this conflict only from one side or the other, then we will be blind to the truth: the only resolution is for the aspirations of both sides to be met through two states, where Israelis and Palestinians each live in peace and security. That is in Israel's interest, Palestine's interest, America's interest, and the world's interest. That is why I intend to personally pursue this outcome with all the patience that the task requires. The obligations that the parties have agreed to under the Road Map are clear. For peace to come, it is time for them – and all of us – to live up to our responsibilities.

And what does Obama intend to do to make things any different? Palestinians have never upheld any agreements. Obama's only choice seems to be to bully the one side that uses rational thinking. Israel is being punished for their willingness to concede. Every time they do they are punished. How long is this going to go on before somebody bigger and stronger steps in and makes evil stop messing with good? Perhaps that is what Obama thinks he is doing by bullying Israel. Yeah that's right, side with the terrorists. A winning move for sure!

Palestinians must abandon violence. Resistance through violence and killing is wrong and does not succeed.

Yes, thank you Obama, that's more like it!

For centuries, black people in America suffered the lash of the whip as slaves and the humiliation of segregation. But it was not violence that won full and equal rights.

Wait a minute, you compare terrorists who refuse to coexist with others to slaves who were oppressed against their will? That would be a joke were it not so offensive. By the way Mr. president, it was Islam who really created a thriving slave trade.

It was a peaceful and determined insistence upon the ideals at the center of America's founding. This same story can be told by people from South Africa to South Asia; from Eastern Europe to Indonesia.

All places where Islamic acts of terrorist jihad are preformed on a daily basis (3-5 a day)

It's a story with a simple truth: that violence is a dead end. It is a sign of neither courage nor power to shoot rockets at sleeping children, or to blow up old women on a bus. That is not how moral authority is claimed; that is how it is surrendered.

I trust, Mr. President, that these words of wisdom are being directed at Palestine.

Now is the time for Palestinians to focus on what they can build.

BUILD? You mean stop blaming everything on the Jews and create a life for themselves and their children? I think that might be like asking them to go against their religion. It's just not their nature. That will take a while and their victim act is really starting to get popular. Trendy people and the ever so chic neo communists think they are KEWL. Building would ruin the victim act, no can do! For as long as they can remain victims they can find joy in always having an enemy that they can sacrifice themselves for in the name of Allah and guarantee eternity in paradise without having to have lived a great life (that takes so long). What other purpose in life do you expect them to create? You are asking too much. Mortier Zuckerman and others spent 14 million to give them Israeli greenhouses during the Gaza turnover and they used them as weapons smuggling tunnels. WAR is all they want! Get a clue!

The Palestinian Authority must develop its capacity to govern, with institutions that serve the needs of its people. Hamas does have support among some Palestinians, but they also have responsibilities. To play a role in fulfilling Palestinian aspirations, and to unify the Palestinian people, Hamas must put an end to violence, recognize past agreements, and recognize Israel's right to exist.

And I'm going to get my dog to stop licking himself.

At the same time, Israelis must acknowledge that just as Israel's right to exist cannot be denied, neither can Palestine's.

NO - Palestinians have to acknowledge ISRAEL's right to exist! Israel has been willing to try.

The United States does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlements. This construction violates previous agreements and undermines efforts to achieve peace. It is time for these settlements to stop.

You do not speak for the United States. I, for one, support peaceful settlements over genocidal blood lust. I find them much more appealing.

Israel must also live up to its obligations to ensure that Palestinians can live, and work, and develop their society. And just as it devastates Palestinian families, the continuing humanitarian crisis in Gaza does not serve Israel's security; neither does the continuing lack of opportunity in the West Bank. Progress in the daily lives of the Palestinian people must be part of a road to peace, and Israel must take concrete steps to enable such progress.

How is Israel supposed to stop Palestinians from choosing to continue their very own propaganda?

Finally, the Arab States must recognize that the Arab Peace Initiative was an important beginning, but not the end of their responsibilities. The Arab-Israeli conflict should no longer be used to distract the people of Arab nations from other problems. Instead, it must be a cause for action to help the Palestinian people develop the institutions that will sustain their state; to recognize Israel's legitimacy; and to choose progress over a self-defeating focus on the past.

Well said and I wish they would.

America will align our policies with those who pursue peace, and say in public what we say in private to Israelis and Palestinians and Arabs. We cannot impose peace. But privately, many Muslims recognize that Israel will not go away. Likewise, many Israelis recognize the need for a Palestinian state. It is time for us to act on what everyone knows to be true. Too many tears have flowed. Too much blood has been shed. All of us have a responsibility to work for the day when the mothers of Israelis and Palestinians can see their children grow up without fear;

When Palestinians love their children as much as they hate the Jews, this might be possible.

when the Holy Land of three great faiths is the place of peace that God intended it to be; when Jerusalem is a secure and lasting home for Jews and Christians and Muslims, and a place for all of the children of Abraham to mingle peacefully together as in the story of Isa, when Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed (peace be upon them) joined in prayer.

Under Israeli rule this is happening. Under Islam, impossible. Non Muslims aren't even allowed to enter their holy lands. The freeway signs to Mecca say “Muslims only”.

The third source of tension is our shared interest in the rights and responsibilities of nations on nuclear weapons.

This issue has been a source of tension between the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran. For many years, Iran has defined itself in part by its opposition to my country, and there is indeed a tumultuous history between us. In the middle of the Cold War, the United States played a role in the overthrow of a democratically-elected Iranian government. Since the Islamic Revolution, Iran has played a role in acts of hostage-taking and violence against U.S. troops and civilians. This history is well known. Rather than remain trapped in the past, I have made it clear to Iran's leaders and people that my country is prepared to move forward.

Yet when the Iranian people protested the false election of the current leader who is far worse, you seemed to ignore them. Funny how you have recently rallied behind Egyptian demonstrators but I guess that is because they are moving towards Sharia and the Iranian people were demonstrating against Sharia. Your intentions may be getting a little clearer since you made this speech.

The question, now, is not what Iran is against, but rather what future it wants to build.

The future Iran wants to build is the future destruction of Israel, America, and all of the West and an ushering in of end times. I think they have been clear about this and I think we should not back this plan.

It will be hard to overcome decades of mistrust, but we will proceed with courage, rectitude and resolve. There will be many issues to discuss between our two countries, and we are willing to move forward without preconditions on the basis of mutual respect. But it is clear to all concerned that when it comes to nuclear weapons, we have reached a decisive point. This is not simply about America's interests. It is about preventing a nuclear arms race in the Middle East that could lead this region and the world down a hugely dangerous path.

YES!

I understand those who protest that some countries have weapons that others do not. No single nation should pick and choose which nations hold nuclear weapons.

I think it is pretty clear that we already have such standards in place. People must be of sound mind to have weapons, a background check etc. We don't let mentally unstable people with a criminal or violent past buy guns. We should not mentally unstable countries with a criminal or violent past have nukes.

That is why I strongly reaffirmed America's commitment to seek a world in which no nations hold nuclear weapons. And any nation – including Iran – should have the right to access peaceful nuclear power if it complies with its responsibilities under the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. That commitment is at the core of the Treaty, and it must be kept for all who fully abide by it. And I am hopeful that all countries in the region can share in this goal.

And if you can just get that fox to sign an agreement with the hens, all will be okie dokie!

The fourth issue that I will address is democracy.

I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq. So let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.

Does that include Sharia?

That does not lessen my commitment, however, to governments that reflect the will of the people. Each nation gives life to this principle in its own way, grounded in the traditions of its own people. America does not presume to know what is best for everyone, just as we would not presume to pick the outcome of a peaceful election. But I do have an unyielding belief that all people yearn for certain things: the ability to speak your mind and have a say in how you are governed; confidence in the rule of law and the equal administration of justice; government that is transparent and doesn't steal from the people; the freedom to live as you choose. Those are not just American ideas, they are human rights, and that is why we will support them everywhere.

I couldn't agree more and I'm sure this went right over the heads of most there.

There is no straight line to realize this promise. But this much is clear: governments that protect these rights are ultimately more stable, successful and secure. Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away. America respects the right of all peaceful and law-abiding voices to be heard around the world, even if we disagree with them. And we will welcome all elected, peaceful governments – provided they govern with respect for all their people.

This last point is important because there are some who advocate for democracy only when they are out of power; once in power, they are ruthless in suppressing the rights of others. No matter where it takes hold, government of the people and by the people sets a single standard for all who hold power: you must maintain your power through consent, not coercion; you must respect the rights of minorities, and participate with a spirit of tolerance and compromise; you must place the interests of your people and the legitimate workings of the political process above your party. Without these ingredients, elections alone do not make true democracy.

Then you DO want to impose political standards. That's OK just be clear.

The fifth issue that we must address together is religious freedom.

Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance.

SAY WHAT???????????? Have you been drinking?

We see it in the history of Andalusia and Cordoba during the Inquisition.

BULLSHIT!

In Muslim Spain the laws of dhimmitude were very much in force in the great Al-Andalus. While people of the book (Jews and Christians) were allowed to lie and practice their faith they were subjected to the laws of dhimmitude and a decidedly second class standing in the Muslim society.

If Muslims, Christians, and Jews lived together peaceably and productively only with Christians and Jews relegated by law to second-class citizen status, then al-Andalus has absolutely no reason to be lionized in our age. Obama should know that the laws of dhimmitude hardly give substance to his claim of a "proud tradition of tolerance". That is like saying that the slaves in the South that were not beaten enjoyed equality.

Cool noting the Inquisition, that was one time in Christian history that Christianity behaved like Islam always has.

I saw it firsthand as a child in Indonesia, where devout Christians worshiped freely in an overwhelmingly Muslim country. That is the spirit we need today. People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind, heart, and soul. This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive, but it is being challenged in many different ways.

Actually It's being challenged in pretty much ONE way, by Islam's intolerance of any other belief. What you saw, Barry, in your childhood is a very rare sign of tolerance and goes against the teachings of Islam but it should be held as an example of how to be. It is an excellent example and should be followed but that would be impossible in any state that functions under Sharia. SO Islam needs to drop that world domination thing.

Among some Muslims, there is a disturbing tendency to measure one's own faith by the rejection of anther's.

The prophet was one of these Muslims "If anyone changes his religion, kill him." -- Muhammad. Since he is held as the perfect example of behavior, this will be very difficult to overcome.

The richness of religious diversity must be upheld – whether it is for Maronites in Lebanon or the Copts in Egypt. And fault lines must be closed among Muslims as well, as the divisions between Sunni and Shia have led to tragic violence, particularly in Iraq.

It is good to see him mention this. It will be interesting to see if he backs it up with action on the behalf of Maronites or Copts. <crickets chirp>

Freedom of religion is central to the ability of peoples to live together. We must always examine the ways in which we protect it. For instance, in the United States, rules on charitable giving have made it harder for Muslims to fulfill their religious obligation. That is why I am committed to working with American Muslims to ensure that they can fulfill zakat.

Will he make sure that zakat does not go to fund terrorism as it has in the past?

Likewise, it is important for Western countries to avoid impeding Muslim citizens from practicing religion as they see fit – for instance, by dictating what clothes a Muslim woman should wear. We cannot disguise hostility towards any religion behind the pretense of liberalism.

What about the women who are threatened and beaten for not wearing the proper clothing.? How about the ones who were not let out of a burning building because they were not properly dressed? Seems to me we have ignored those hostilities within the religion behind the pretense of liberalism.

Indeed, faith should bring us together. That is why we are forging service projects in America that bring together Christians, Muslims, and Jews.

Like the Ground Zero Mosque?

That is why we welcome efforts like Saudi Arabian King Abdullah's Interfaith dialogue and Turkey's leadership in the Alliance of Civilizations. Around the world, we can turn dialogue into Interfaith service, so bridges between peoples lead to action – whether it is combating malaria in Africa, or providing relief after a natural disaster.

Ah Turkey the country who's Prime Minister, Erdogan says, "Mosques are our barracks, domes our helmets, minarets our bayonets, believers our soldiers. This holy army guards my religion." That sounds like a great start for interfaith dialogue! Say, Barry, didn't you promise to get Turkey to recognize the Armenian genocide? Is that still on your to do list?

The sixth issue that I want to address is women's rights.

I know there is debate about this issue. I reject the view of some in the West that a woman who chooses to cover her hair is somehow less equal, but I do believe that a woman who is denied an education is denied equality. And it is no coincidence that countries where women are well-educated are far more likely to be prosperous.

Now let me be clear: issues of women's equality are by no means simply an issue for Islam. In Turkey, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Indonesia, we have seen Muslim-majority countries elect a woman to lead. Meanwhile, the struggle for women's equality continues in many aspects of American life, and in countries around the world.

Our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons, and our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity – men and women – to reach their full potential. I do not believe that women must make the same choices as men in order to be equal, and I respect those women who choose to live their lives in traditional roles. But it should be their choice. That is why the United States will partner with any Muslim-majority country to support expanded literacy for girls, and to help young women pursue employment through micro-financing that helps people live their dreams.

How does he propose to overcome the culture that teachings like this create? The Qur'an likens a woman to a field (tilth), to be used by a man as he wills: "Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will" (2:223).

The Qur'an also declares that a woman's testimony is worth half that of a man: "Get two witnesses, out of your own men, and if there are not two men, then a man and two women, such as ye choose, for witnesses, so that if one of them errs, the other can remind her" (2:282).

It allows men to marry up to four wives, and have sex with slave girls also: "If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice" (4:3).

It rules that a son's inheritance should be twice the size of that of a daughter: "Allah (thus) directs you as regards your children's (inheritance): to the male, a portion equal to that of two females" (4:11).

Worst of all, the Qur’an tells husbands to beat their disobedient wives: "Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them" (4:34).

It allows for marriage to pre-pubescent girls, stipulating that Islamic divorce procedures “shall apply to those who have not yet menstruated” (65:4). If too small for intercourse the practice of Mufa Kathat is allowed. This is the act of masturbating between a child's thighs. Mohammed's child bride, Aisha, speaks of this in the hadith and of her happy chore of washing the cum off his pants.

Finally, I want to discuss economic development and opportunity.

I know that for many, the face of globalization is contradictory. The Internet and television can bring knowledge and information, but also offensive sexuality and mindless violence.

And God knows that Muslims are not to blame for the violence that such immoral signs of Western decadence can inspire. The immorality of the West has been a feature of Islamic anti-Western writings forever. But in view of the above mentioned sex acts that are allowed, I think nobody is in a position to be throwing stones. This references not glass houses but a culture that stones women to death for being raped.

Trade can bring new wealth and opportunities, but also huge disruptions and changing communities. In all nations – including my own – this change can bring fear. Fear that because of modernity we will lose of control over our economic choices, our politics, and most importantly our identities – those things we most cherish about our communities, our families, our traditions, and our faith.

Which is heavily steeped in 7^th century attitudes

But I also know that human progress cannot be denied. There need not be contradiction between development and tradition. Countries like Japan and South Korea grew their economies while maintaining distinct cultures. The same is true for the astonishing progress within Muslim-majority countries from Kuala Lumpur to Dubai. In ancient times and in our times, Muslim communities have been at the forefront of innovation and education.

Bullshit again, the myth that Islam was ever at the forefront of any real kind of progress is shattered when you do the research. Progress for Arabs came to an abrupt stand still once Islam became established. The prophet was the greatest enemy of reason. An illiterate man himself, he encouraged contempt for education. It has been speculated that Muslim conquest in the 7^th century may have caused the destruction of the great library in Alexandria, in some Islamic societies to this day, all books are haram (forbidden) with the exception of the Qu'ran. In areas where Muslim scientists ( Ibn Sina; Ibn Khaldun; Ibn Al-Kindi etc) were able to advance their work it was in spite of the Islamic suffocation of the intellect and never with the ideology's encouragement. Islam's role in supressing progress is verified throughout history whereas the myth that Islam was ever at the forefront of innovation is a fallacy of revisionist history – but we've been getting a lot of that from you Barry. Now I know what yor wife said when she said that America would have to change, among the things she listed that must be changed was history. I remember that well and wondered why nobody seemed to cal her on it. You do not change history – not if you want to learn from it. Oh I see, I just figured you out didn't I?

This is important because no development strategy can be based only upon what comes out of the ground, nor can it be sustained while young people are out of work. Many Gulf States have enjoyed great wealth as a consequence of oil, and some are beginning to focus it on broader development. But all of us must recognize that education and innovation will be the currency of the 21st century, and in too many Muslim communities there remains underinvestment in these areas. I am emphasizing such investments within my country. And while America in the past has focused on oil and gas in this part of the world, we now seek a broader engagement.

On education, we will expand exchange programs, and increase scholarships, like the one that brought my father to America, while encouraging more Americans to study in Muslim communities. And we will match promising Muslim students with internships in America; invest in on-line learning for teachers and children around the world; and create a new online network, so a teenager in Kansas can communicate instantly with a teenager in Cairo.

Infiltration NOW! Say Barry, can we have more Islamic professors in our colleges who teach the kids to hate America? The MSA is a great asset for learning too. It's a nice blend with the Communism. Perhaps Temple Grandin can be employed to design the ramps leading to the lecture halls to increase the efficiency of indoctrination. Her work with cattle and sheep should prove useful.

On economic development, we will create a new corps of business volunteers to partner with counterparts in Muslim-majority countries. And I will host a Summit on Entrepreneurship this year to identify how we can deepen ties between business leaders, foundations and social entrepreneurs in the United States and Muslim communities around the world.

And Sharia finance! Don't forget the Sharia finance!

On science and technology, we will launch a new fund to support technological development in Muslim-majority countries, and to help transfer ideas to the marketplace so they can create jobs. We will open centers of scientific excellence in Africa, the Middle East and Southeast Asia, and appoint new Science Envoys to collaborate on programs that develop new sources of energy, create green jobs, digitize records, clean water, and grow new crops. And today I am announcing a new global effort with the Organization of the Islamic Conference to eradicate polio. And we will also expand partnerships with Muslim communities to promote child and maternal health.

How about abandoning our space program and putting NASA in charge of making Muslims feel better about their skills and contributions to science? That would be an excellent use of scientific minds.

All these things must be done in partnership. Americans are ready to join with citizens and governments; community organizations, religious leaders, and businesses in Muslim communities around the world to help our people pursue a better life.

“And we are especially ready to partner with the Muslim Brotherhood because we share a common goal: the destruction of Western civilization.” Isn't that what you really meant to say? And what will we get for all this effort? Good will? Have the billions we have already spent shown any success in that area?

The issues that I have described will not be easy to address. But we have a responsibility to join together on behalf of the world we seek – a world where extremists no longer threaten our people, and American troops have come home; a world where Israelis and Palestinians are each secure in a state of their own, and nuclear energy is used for peaceful purposes; a world where governments serve their citizens, and the rights of all God's children are respected. Those are mutual interests. That is the world we seek. But we can only achieve it together.

I know there are many – Muslim and non-Muslim – who question whether we can forge this new beginning. Some are eager to stoke the flames of division, and to stand in the way of progress.

Seeing things realistically is not to "stoke the flames of division," although I am sure you will conflate them.

Some suggest that it isn't worth the effort – that we are fated to disagree, and civilizations are doomed to clash. Many more are simply skeptical that real change can occur. There is so much fear, so much mistrust. But if we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward. And I want to particularly say this to young people of every faith, in every country – you, more than anyone, have the ability to remake this world.

Say, that is exactly what they want to do!

All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort – a sustained effort – to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.

It is easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward; to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. There is also one rule that lies at the heart of every religion – that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. This truth transcends nations and peoples – a belief that isn't new; that isn't black or white or brown; that isn't Christian, or Muslim or Jew. It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization, and that still beats in the heart of billions. It's a faith in other people, and it's what brought me here today.

I must admit that was lovely.

We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning, keeping in mind what has been written.

The Holy Koran tells us, "O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another."

And kill one another if they do not accept Allah and his messenger?

The Talmud tells us: "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace."

The Holy Bible tells us, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."

The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now, that must be our work here on Earth. Thank you. And may God's peace be upon you.

God's vision? We know what Islam's vision is: World domination and until that is achieved, there will be war. Since you will not address this honestly, it seems that you are either extremely naive or you share this world vision. Time will tell which is the right assessment.

‎

Animal Rights Groups Get New Mascot

2011-04-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

Animal rights groups have a new plan for teaching children about animal cruelty this Easter holiday. While many are familiar with the legend of the Easter Bunny, animals rights groups want to replace him with their own mascot, the Draize Test Rabbit (AKA: “Mr. Testy”). We spoke with Petard leader Elizabeth Dickfree about the new campaign.

“The legend of the Easter Bunny is morally offensive. Here you have an animal being forced to hop down the bunny trail bringing candy to greedy and corpulant children. In France they have a bell that flies through the air bringing gifts to people which at least makes sense. Of course Americans base their folklore on expecting animals to be our slaves. We want to show children the real role of rabbits and how they are used in animal testing. Mr. Testy is designed to look like a rabbit who has been through several experiments. Some of his wounds actually ooze blood when functioning properly.”

The campaign nearly didn't see the light of day for Easter of 2011 due to manufacturing problems with the five Mr. Testy suits the company will be sharing with other animal rights groups.

“Due to Union specifications the costumes had to be made at one location while the full head masks were made at another” Dickfree reveals. “There was confusion, the people at the mask company did not realize the measurements were in inches rather than centimeters. It is very difficult to find people with heads small enough to fit into the mask.”

“We have had to employ microcehalics to wear the costume.” adds Tofu Brainphuk director of publicity for the organization.

“There again..” interjects Ms. Dickfree “Modern science and animal testing has all but made these beautiful anomalies of nature dissapear. We've had to go to Pakistan where pinheads are worshipped.”

The result is that most of the employees in the suit do not understand any English and are profoundly retarded. They often misunderstand what is happening and become violent, sometimes throwing the children on their laps several feet into the air. But according to Ms. Dickfree this is nothing to be alarmed over and adds to the child's experience:

“Our research has shown that children learn best when frightened. We want them to be affected by this experience for the rest of their lives. When we hear them screaming we know they're getting it.”

“We are making an impact” adds Tofu.

“Sometimes we will have a very good natured toddler who is resistant to fear. One of us will have to rush up behind him and scream to startle him. We'll do whatever it takes because we know that if they are not hysterical, we're just not getting through to them.”

“But when we do get through it is so rewarding.” Says Tofu with a warm smile. “We know it's working because immediately after the children have spent about ten minutes with Mr. Testy we offer them a bottle of shampoo. they want nothing to do with it. If we hand it to them, they will even throw it at us. It's simply amazing, ”

I asked if this was similar to the results that they have had with their prenatal vegetarianism program.

“Oh yes!” Elizabeth proclaimed triumphantly. “We've had amazing results with that! We project images of vivisected animals on the bellies of pregnant women during the last month of gestation. When the babies are born we offer them a steak. In five years not a single infant has had any interest in the steak, not one!”

“We call that success.” crows Tofu who then sums it all up:

“When the children are taken away in their parents arms crying and kicking, it breaks our hearts a little but we know that most, if not all of them, will never use shampoo or soap. When we go home to our cats, we can feel good about that.”

Mr. Testy will be appearing in selected Walmarts and True Value Hardware stores throughout the Inland from March 28 through April 31.

I am Not a Man From Kazakhstan!

2011-04-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

I started playing MMROPGs (Massive multiplayer, role playing games) in 2004. It all started innocently enough with Disney's Toontown, a game designed for seven year olds but notorious for luring their parents to play and become hopelessly addicted. I made friends that I knew only in the gaming world, friends I played four different games with over the years. These friends were Buckey, Lou, Ronnie and Clive.

Buckey and I were Beta Testers for a fairly sick game called Sociolotron. You had to prove that you were over 21 to play it because it involved sex and drugs and all kinds of debauchery and was surprisingly fun. It was in this game that I started my first Borat character. I had discovered Da Alli G Show and thought Sacha Baron Cohen was God. My favorite character was Borat and the idea of playing a character based on him promised lots of LOLs. It did, it was great, I dressed him in a loin cloth, brown shoes with black socks and a neck tie. He went around asking women for sexy time and being generally offensive. Funny, nobody ever even slapped him. Women seemed to love him. He would tell them that they were almost as pretty as his favorite goat and they would swoon. This was a strange contrast to the Nun characters Buckey dreamed up for us to play. “Sister Mary Elizabeth” and “Sister Mary Stuart” would get attacked, killed, kidnapped and raped the minute they set foot in the public square. But Borat was well liked. I would have him crash parties and make hym pass out on the floor and I'd log out and leave him there for the night. I'd return in the morning to find people had dressed him up and left drinks and money all around him. Soon he was a popular guy who actually got invited to parties.

Sociolotron neared the end of it's final Beta and in order to play we would have to start paying. I didn't think it was worth it. It was a two dimensional game and had little point. It was Sims with sin and inferior graphics. There's only so much sex and drugs one can do as a character in a game without it getting very boring. Buckey had not quite gotten her fill and others had gone back to Toontown. I wanted to leave the game even though Buckey and I had a successful dildo store. We had a final fundraiser for needy prostitutes called “Toys for Twats” and then I left to investigate what other games were out there. I ended up in the black tar of gaming addiction: World of Warcraft (AKA: WoW).

WoW was a real game with real battles but it was no Toontown, it was difficult. I started out rolling a Mage (creating a character who's profession was to be a mage) and I really sucked at playing. Glutton for punishment, I didn't give up. I loved the world of WoW. It had great graphics. I could get on a bat and ride in the moonlight and do lots of things besides dying in battle. Now and then, I would go back into Toontown and see my friends and be a big toon who was well respected. I'd fill myself with the swagger of success then go back into WoW and be just pathetic. Lacking any victory to give me a thrill, I decided to engage in the kind of behavior that could at least provide me a laugh. I created another Borat character.

He was a Tauren, which is an enormous species in the game that is a half man, half cow hybrid. I walked around the beautiful scenery of WoW as my Bovine Borat harassing women while learning to play the game. Eventually I got better and I was asked to join a guild.

A guild is a group that goes on quests and raids together. Guilds can chat while playing and I thought it would be real fun to stay in character. The Borat movie was in the works, I knew eventually these people would know what I was doing but for now I thought it would be fun to make it seem real. I told them that I was a journalist and the 2nd most famous man in my home country. I was in on a mission to gain “Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”. I had a lot of fun with my Borat character in WoW. The guys I played with seemed to be college students, mostly male and I was surprised that nobody caught on to what I was doing. It seemed that nobody had seen “Da Alli G Show”; but I knew in time the movie would be out and that would sort of be my punchline. I let my guildies know that they were making a movie about my mission and that I would soon be famous in America. “I will be movie star! You will be so proud you know me! You will tell all your friends! You will tell your sisters!” They reacted to that like I was just some weird, foreign guy telling tall tales.

I never did play well but I was funny so they liked me and would bring me along on raids for my limited healing ability and comic relief. Since all these guys had leveled way beyond me, I didn't engage much in battle but stayed back to heal them. The result of this is that if the team “wiped” (were all killed) I would be left alive because I had never posed a threat to the boss - the big enemy that it is the mission to kill. They would be dead and I would be alone with this creature. I would then narrate my sexual exploits with the boss while my comrades ran from the graveyard to find their bodies and resume the battle. I remember going into great detail about how I was finally left alone with this dragon we were fighting. “Oh she like me! She have very bad breath but she good kisser, I like fork tongue!” They would type “Eeew gross! Borat don't fuck the dragon, you don't know where she's been!” etc. My guildies liked me and I've always enjoyed the company of young men. I was having fun.

When we got a web page for us to organize our group endeavors we needed to use pictures of ourselves as avatars in the forums. Most of these guys used photos of their character or a favorite band. I used a photo of “myself”. It was a picture of Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat wearing a large cowboy hat. I started getting comments in game.
“Hey Borat is that you in your avatar?”

“Yes, is me! I have handsome, yes?”

One guy named “Darigaz”, kept saying “Man you look like a pervert!”

I would insist, “No that is my cousin Bilo, he is pervert. I am nicest guy!”

Dari would comment every now and then that I was just plain creepy looking with my mustache. I posted other photos of Borat that were even creepier just to mess with Dari.

I would tell them my movie was coming along great but sensed that they didn't really believe that I was soon to be a star of the silver screen. I decided to really flesh out this farce by looking online to see if there were any photographs of Sacha as Borat with the cameras around. I wanted to post something on our forum board to prove I wasn't making things up. When I looked around I found something much better; I found stills from the now famous scene where Borat and Assamat are naked and wrestling. This was wonderful! Borat and a fat guy, naked. This was just way too good! I had to send it to Dari to really freak him out. I decided not to share it with the guild but to send it to Dari by private message, that would make everything all the creepier. I included a note saying, “This is me and my good friend, Assamat, having recreations. I hope some day to meat you. Kindest Affections From Your Friend and Guild Mate, Borat” (note spelling of the word, “meat”)

Later that day I was in the game and some other guildies came on. I could see their dialogue in the text scrolling past me. They were discussing mathematics. After a while it seemed clear that they were working on some homework.
“Hey are you two in a class together? I asked
Yes
Oh so are you in college together?
No!
Oh dear, these guys are still in high school? They're just kids! Wow, that's a surprise.
“So you're in High School?”
Not yet

<gulp>

“How old are you??” I asked in fear.
The reply for both was “14”. I asked what I was afraid to ask, “You know Dari in real life don't you? Is he only 14 too?”
“No ...he's 13”
Oh dear God in heaven. I have sent naked pictures to a child! I will get banned from World of Warcraft! Damn, I might get in trouble with the law! I had to do something. I had to tell them what I'd done.
“You guys I have something to tell you! I am not a man from Kazakhstan! I am a middle aged MOTHER!” They thought I was kidding. After going on about how Borat can't be a Mom I finally got them to believe me. I explained what I had done and asked if they could tell Dari to just delete the email I sent him and we can all laugh about the joke. Now I understood why Dari kept saying he thought I was a pervert, poor kid, he was actually concerned!

“Dari's going on vacation and he uses his Dad's computer.”

Sweet buttered Jesus! That's it, there is no hope. The tabloids will love this! “America's sweetheart trolls the internet posing as a Russian man sending naked pictures to young boys” As if my career wasn't sad enough, this will kill it. I was panicky. The leader of our guild was a really sweet boy who I always assumed was a man because he was so fair and diplomatic and a good leader. He was 14 as well and he got on later in the day and told me that he was Dari's neighbor. He assured me that he met him after school and got him to delete the email before they went on vacation and before his Dad saw it. Of course they opened it up together and had a good laugh.

The final result is that we all had a good laugh and if anything I was maybe even cooler because I was a middle aged Mom who played WoW. They also now understood why I sucked so bad at the game: because I'm a middle aged Mom who plays WoW. Nice boys. My Toontown Friends soon joined WoW and we made our own guild “The Lords of Kazakhstan”. I felt safer knowing these people were old farts like me and I could be as lewd as Borat wanted to be. But I liked my little pals. Every now and then I would see one of them and they would tell me they saw the Borat movie. They would ask if I had screwed any dragons lately and I would say “Yes! I liiiiike!” None of them ever knew that I had an identity beyond that of a middle aged mother and that I am also a little girl with a lisp that they can see on TV.

I think that would have been just too much.

The Youngest One in Curlers

2011-02-17T11:51:00.000-08:00

Yes indeed, that is me at the age of two at the beauty salon, getting a perm.

Our mother couldn't love a cat with short hair. A prerequisite for any kitten we acquired was that it would grow to have a long beautiful coat. Mom liked pretty things. No stray cats for her, and no stray hairs. Everything was well coifed and beautiful. Mom was a beauty herself. Appearances were of obsessive concern to my mother who made sure that she was well groomed and had full makeup on when she delivered her children. She was greeting us looking her best and it was hoped that we would do the same. Our appearances were a source of pride for Mom; having beautiful children was her claim to fame. We were all so nice to look at that we got hired to be put in movies and TV so other people could look at us. One can't help but wonder what might have happened had my mother given birth to <gasp> an ugly child. It seemed that with me, her fourth and last offspring, she had done just that. I was not a pretty baby. My fathers exact words when seeing me for the first time were, “We should have quit while we were ahead.” Then he softened the remark with “Well, she's not our prettiest baby but she sure is sweet.” Dad was not obsessed with appearances at all. He was just very innocently and brutally honest. Fortunately my countenance improved day by day so my mother never had to consider the heart wrenching choice of leaving me on the doorstep of an ugly family so that I could be raised by my own kind.

As much as she couldn't love a cat with short hair, she seemed unable to tolerate a child with straight hair. Her first born had beautiful ringlets like a cherub. Mom was determined that we all be that beautiful. While I know this makes her seem terribly superficial and she was obsessed with appearances, she was also the deepest, most profoundly wise and wonderful person I've ever known. The contrast of her obsession with appearances coupled with a true ability to see beyond all physical matter into the spiritual essence of everything provided a gentle but persistent confusion that made me have to think harder and I am grateful for it. I saw the world in layers before I ever got my hands on a copy of Photoshop. I knew from an early age that things are not always as they seem, you have to look closer, you must look deeper. If you only look at the surface, you are missing all the important stuff. Still my mother's philosophy was that nobody would ever look beyond the surface if that wasn't as good as it could possibly be.

And in her defense I must say that when I grew up and fulfilled my rebellious desire to have a short haired cat, my mother loved him as much as any grandkitten. So I would assume if need be she could have found it in her heart to love a child who's hair did not curl - but why bother when there are such things as curlers to correct this unfortunate situation? With the same sense of mission one would have clamping braces onto the legs of a crippled child, my mother put curlers in my hair in an effort to correct nature's hideous mistake. When I had grown just enough hair to cover the circumference of a curler, one was was installed. The look was called “The Boston Curl” It strongly resembled the style worn by members of the Lollipop Guild in Munchkinland. As I grew, so did my hair and my mother's dissapointment in it. While it was blonde like my brother, there were no lovely ringlets. Something had to be done.

What you see in the photo is me getting a perm at the age of two.Well it only made sense, I had an agent by then and was doing commercials. It's difficult to get a baby to sleep in rollers and questionable to risk burning them with a curling iron. Pouring chemicals on Baby's head would seem to be the safe and sane solution. In the photo I am demonstrating the temperament that got me jobs – I was not fussy. On my first job a bee stung me on my lip. I never cried. The director told my mother to put champagne in my bottle that night because I had been such a pro. (I doubt she carried out his instructions) I don't remember being praised for my behavior during this “first perm” but I clearly remember my second. I sat with a towel up to my face trying to keep the fumes away. My eyes burned, I cried, I became very “fussy” My mother admonished me lamenting over how good I had been before. With the hindsight of an adult I realize that the distress I heard in my mother's voice was not anger directed at me for my temperament, it was concern that she was doing something wrong. But I didn't know that. I thought she was angry. I felt ashamed for being a big baby, I wanted to be brave and strong but the fumes were overwhelming me. I tried, I really tried my best but I just couldn't handle it. I remember her and the beautician discussing how it was the same formula that had been used before and all had gone so well, why was it all so different now? The choice was made to neutralize me before the timer went off. My relief had a price, for the next few weeks I had to listen to Mom complain about how that perm just didn't “take” because we neutralized too soon and this is why I had to sleep in curlers. So this was my punishment for not enduring the sting of amonia vapors.

My hair would become an analogy of my life, Sleeping in curlers assured that not only was my hair being curled but my subconscious mind as well. There was a constant need to look act and be different than who I was . The focus on my appearance contributed to making me who I am today – a miserable slob. Wouldn't you know I would become known to millions as “the youngest one in curls”. But my hair is straight dammit! At last the truth can be told! By the way, there are no violins playing in the background. This is not a sad story. Begging for coins to get enough to eat is a sad story of childhood. Sleeping in curlers in middle class America is nothing to get fussy about.

My Facebook Holiday Note

2010-12-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

During this holiday season many people seem to have a problem with Christ being forgotten in Christmas and while most who know me know that I am not a fan of any religion, I find myself curiously agreeing with these people. I am fortunate to have what I think are great instincts but I often takes quite a while before I can understand my feelings enough to express them. I am learning to trust them without explanation a little more. Enough to be intuitive but not so much that I am driven by emotion without reason.

So I see fewer manger scenes and must admit this bothers me too. I want the religious symbols but I want them all. I want plenty of menorahs and dreidels. I want the pagan roots of the Christmas tree to be celebrated as well. Our cultural and spiritual customs are good when not taken too seriously. They make life rich. I even create them out of nonsense (Fake Jan Day is coming!). When my son was little it was imperative that I include a manger in with our Christmas decorations so that my son would know that this wasn't Santa Clause's birthday. I also wanted him to be able to celebrate Halloween but that practice was taken away by the very Christian community that I live in. A community which is foolish enough to feel threatened by pagan celebrations so nobody gets to have anything more specific than “Fall festival”. In my opinion that would be better named “PC Bullshit Day”. The idea that we all have to be the same in order to avoid conflict makes as much sense as buying all of your children the same gift so that nobody gets jealous. Do we really have to water life down that much? Are we really that incapable of handling our own human nature?

Well are we?

People are individuals. We also have a sense of wanting to fit in. It is a good balance, we need not mess with it. Individualism need not be feared if it is expressed with some level of responsibility for others. That said, Socialism need not be feared if applied appropriately. We need certain things to form a society. If we had to do everything for ourselves we wouldn't get very far. Try building yourself a car! In our early beginnings we found that we could get far more done if we pooled our talents. This is society, this is social, this is socialism and it's fine.

We also need to be individuals because if we don't have individual talents then what do we have to pool together? What would be the need to listen to another human being? Where would art be if everyone had the same talent? Sadly, there is a bad side to all things. The individual in his desire to be fulfilled becomes greedy and takes from others. Socialism creates frustration because it does not fulfill the individual.

We have shown in this great country of ours that we can have it both ways. We have a blend. We have a successful blend the likes of which has never been seen before. We can combine individual talents to create social structures and we have roads and schools and many examples of socialism working well for us. Sure, all of these systems have also become corrupted and we need to fix that. But for the most part our way of life has worked well and has been adopted by many of the European countries from which we fled.

The greatest example of this freedom of the spirit is our freedom of spiritual practice. What better time to celebrate our ability to have freedom of religion than now during the holidays? To have people of different faiths spreading their own brand of joy should be the greatest thing. Sure some of these holidays are a bit of a stretch to give other cultures something akin to Christmas which is really a Pagan seasonal festival. Undoubtedly their roots are more deeply entrenched in the capitalism of Hallmark than real tradition - but so what? It's still a chance to celebrate in unique and diverse ways.

To claim that any religious symbols are an insult is just plain bad sportsmanship. Most of the intelligent atheists I know do not begrudge the symbols why should they? Well... sometimes they should ...Sometimes we all should. There is a time for religion to be seen as very offensive. That time is when religion crosses the line and gets mixed into our laws.

Then we ALL have something to fear.

The separation of church and state is in my opinion the foundation of this country It is the building block that if taken away makes the whole thing topple. (I know many people incorrectly believe is a Christian nation but I won't go into that here; please show the same restraint) It is profoundly important in keeping the peace and maintaining any freedom of religion. Without that separation you can not andshould not have freedom of religion. Without that separation any religion can, through law, be forced on another person and that is where everything becomes extremely UNHOLY!

As many of you have noticed I do drone on quite a bit about one particular religion. It is not so much the religion that is bothersome, it is that part of the religion that is not a religion at all. It is a political system that gets protected under the premise of being a religion and this is just wrong.

Political Islam represents such a perfect example of what can be wrong with religion. It is a demonstration of where that line is being crossed. It is all about crossing that line. And while the majority of people don't really practice this religion the way it is written, it is still written with the submission of all others in mind. It's very name means “submission”. It is a religion where there is no separation of church and state and it's laws are forced on non believers. There is no better example of what is wrong with religion and what needs to be stopped. I know I come off as a hate monger because I yammer on so much about this. It is not my intention to create hate. It is my effort to point the hate out. Unfortunately this becomes very much like smelling gas, you can't help but be accused of being the one who passed it.

Why is this so important? Am I being hysterical? I hope so. I really do. I would be more hopeful that I am wrong were it not for how small this fragile blue Christmas ball of a planet has become and how very easy it is just to blow the whole thing up. When certain ideologies are understood, the role of nuclear weapons takes on a greater meaning. The destruction of the planet fulfills the scriptures of more than one religion. We human beings are at a point in our evolution where we most definitely will NOT survive our religious differences and when we go, we will take the whole planet with us (which certainly wouldn't be fair to the nicer species that inhabit this place now would it?) I am not a bit happy to be of the opinion that we are at the zero hour. It is high time to start basing our morals and ethics on something more substantial and practical than myth and to take a look at the world around us with honesty unfettered by political agenda.

We have so many people who are committed to small thinking. We think with our egos, more concerned with being right than finding the truth. We think in terms of political parties. We think in terms that separate us in the hopes of being "better than". We will eagerly acknowledge the threat of Sarah Palin on the separation of church and state. I would agree with that but then why completely look the other way when it comes to something so much more threatening? It is like watching somebody standing on a chair to avoid a mouse in the room while ignoring the rabid dog that is poised to pounce. Just because there are many religious right wingers who are against Islam because it threatens Christianity's monopoly on faith does not mean that there is not a threat to everyone from POLITICAL Islam. This attitude is suicidal and take a good look at where this has gotten the other half of Western civilization: Europe (AKA Eurabia).

Violence ensues in Norway from political Islam being offended by Christmas lights but streets are illegally blocked off in France for Islamists to conduct their prayers. Danish children are not allowed to put any symbols of their country's flag on their clothing or backpacks because it will offend immigrants and they will get beaten up. This is human nature at it's most revolting. On one hand you have the offensive arrogance of a barbaric ideology seeing how far it can get by using intimidation. On the other hand you have the spineless who allow this to happen. The leaders of these countries are like weak parents who allow burglars into their homes and offer them a chance to rape their children in the hopes that they will be satisfied and go away. Both are examples of a disgusting failure to reach the higher levels of the human spirit. This is not about right and left, it is much bigger than that, it is about right and wrong. And unless we can get ourselves united in some way as human beings first and political parties and religions second, we don't stand a chance.

In view of mankind's inability to handle religion in a manner that makes it beneficial, it's more than tempting to say that it ought to be done away with entirely. We need to base our ethics and morals on something more appropriate than ancient man made myth and superstition. Charming as it can be, it isn't doing us any good.

Still, I hope we don't really need to do that. I hope that we can be grown up enough to handle religious freedom. Taking away a person's faith is an act of cruelty and many people actually DO use it for good! We just need to take our religions and keep them to ourselves. If everyone can take their own spiritual practice, be it Christian, Hindu, Wicca, quantum mechanics, non political Islam, etc. and let those beliefs create inside them a link to a higher self where we are all united, there would be no need to proselytize, we would be together. We might actually learn to love each other and we might survive ourselves.

In the mean time, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka , Joyful Kwanzaa and above all: REASON'S GREETINGS.

The Joe Schmurlo Incident

2010-10-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

In the late 80’s I got a job as a graphic artist for a company called BJ Designs which was located in Malibu. The company operated from a house on Pacific Coast Highway right across the street from the beach and Alice’s Restaurant. It was really an idyllic situation in an idyllic location. In the beginning it was just me and one other artist named Bill. We got along great and became very good friends. He was often amazed at how far the sickness went in my sense of humor and I loved how he kept me laughing with jokes about dismemberment, birth defects and other tasteless fodder that I so enjoy. He was a very talented artist who used a lot of humor in his work; he treated me like his little sister. We happily toiled in a small bedroom of the house that had been turned into an art department with an ocean view. The only access to our little world was a sliding glass door and Bill made sure he had a spot at the window for the view. He wasn’t as concerned about seeing the ocean as he was seeing anyone coming towards our office. He had been the only artist and he had the gig worked out to his satisfaction. The company had no idea what it took to make the designs that he churned out and the less they knew, the less they could ask of him. I tried my best to keep things as lazy as they had been and certainly didn’t want to ruin his cushy deal by demonstrating how productive an artist actually could be. Try as I might, you can’t halt progress; the company was doing well and expanding and I was just the beginning of hiring new artists. Soon we would have an actual art department, and in time, a couple of go getters would ruin everything and set new standards for our performance. For now things were still sweet but the first step of progress was at hand: we needed a Stat camera.

A stat camera is a camera that is at least the size of a refrigerator, you can’t just pick one up at the store; and so a salesman came to our little home by the sea. His name was Joe Schmurlo; he was a nice enough man. He showed us photos of different models and their dimensions and electrical requirements and we pretended to know what he was talking about. We hemmed and hawed and tried to ask questions that made it seem as if we knew what to ask. Eventually we chose two models for our boss to consider using the highly scientific “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” process of selection. He left behind brochures and his business card and a couple of price estimates on letterhead stationary. He remarked many times about how lucky we were to be working with this wonderful view and the great smell of sea air. We could never have imagined an argument against such an obvious fact. It was as though we had stolen the world. Churning out work at a snail’s pace in this great location made the whole situation like a paid vacation.

“Poor guy” Bill mused as he disappeared from our view. “He’s probably getting back into a hot car and spending the rest of the afternoon stuck in traffic on the freeway.”

“Yeah, that must suck.” I gloated, feeling kind of guilty.

“And it must really suck to work for a company that makes you put your picture on your business cards.”

“What?” I looked at Bill who was holding up the business card next to his face. Yes indeed, there was the man’s picture and underneath it said “Joe Schmurlo” Bill mockingly smiled the same smile. This struck us as funny. We thought it was very odd that he had his picture on his card we wondered if his company made him do it or if it was his own queer idea. In later years it became common for real estate brokers and such to put their faces on their business cards but back then this was weird. It was weird enough that we had to do something about it.

This was before computers and Photoshop or we would never have gotten any work done. We would have done nothing but mess around making each other laugh. We only had a Xerox machine that enlarged and reduced and we had type that we set by hand. I think our fun began with Bill just taking this picture of Joe, blowing it up to an uncomfortably large size and hanging it on a wall in our office. His name underneath made it funnier. People would ask “Who is that?” We’d say “It’s Joe Schmurlo, can’t you read?” And if someone dared to ask who Joe Schmurlo was we would just roll our eyes and tell them that it was too difficult to explain, "Either you know the man and his work or you don't."

Bill and I were both big fans of wacky packages so some fake products were in order. Since Old Joe had commented on “the great sea air” at our office, I made a fake box of “Joe Schmurlo’s Sea Snacks” “taste the ocean in every crunchy bite” of course I put his photo on the label and altered it a bit to give him a bigger smile and crumbs on his face. The next morning I arrived to find the perfect snack companion: a bottle of “Joe Schmurlo’s Sea Swill” Ah, Bill had taken an empty Pepsi bottle, filled it with some fairly vile gutter water and slapped the home made label on it. He left it on my desk.

This turned into a typical competition / gift exchange between me and Bill. He left work after me in the evenings and I got to work before him in the mornings. I would aarive at work to find another new member of the fine line of Joe Schmurlo products proudly displayed on my desk. I'd be inspired and have something ready for him by the time he came in. Tiring quickly of food stuffs we moved on to sex products. There were Joe Schmurlo condoms “inner ribbing for my pleasure - to Hell with her” and Joe Scmurlo’s “Snatch Scratch” vaginal itch cream to name a couple of our top sellers. We ended up getting the camera directly from the factory and in time found something else to amuse each other with and we sort of forgot about Joe. Time marched on as did business as usual.

Then one fine morning when I was alone at work, I went down to our office and guess who’s there? That’s right, Good Ol’ Joe Schmurlo. It had been months since we’d had any fun at his expense and I’d forgotten about him. “Remember me?” He says. He stepped up to me, continuing, “I was in the area I wanted to see how the camera is working out. Can I come in?" Not thinking, I let him into the office, OOOPS! As he looks at the new camera I can see the various Joe Schmurlo products, kind of dusty and no longer prominently displayed, but definitely noticeable. Oh dear, he HAS to be seeing the various jars and boxes with his face on them. This is horrible! He’s not saying anything but he has to be seeing this. Certainly the 12” x12” mock up of an LP, “Joe Schmurlo, Songs for Lovers Only” must have caught his eye. I continued to make small talk trying to focus his attention on our fabulous ocean view.

What the heck could he possibly think? I can’t explain this! I can’t say “We didn’t mean any disrespect with this Joe Schmurlo hemorrhoid cream or lice removal tonic.” I instantly thought of that scene in “A Guide for the Married Man” where Joey Bishop's character is found by his wife, in bed with another woman. She’s yelling at him and he just keeps saying “What woman?” all the while the girl is getting dressed and eventually leaves with him denying everything and when he says “What girl?" for the last time, she actually is gone. Yes, that is what I'll do. I'll just ignore what he's holding in his hand and say, "What bottle of douche with your face on it? I don't know what you're talking about." Deny, deny, deny! What else could I do?

Fortunately, he never mentioned anything. He left pretty quickly as he must have been embarrassed because had to have seen something. When Bill arrived, I told him what happened and he convulsed with laughter. We then took everything down, that way if Joe called our boss and said anything, we could really just deny it all.

Of course I can’t help but feel guilt. This poor man may have spent years with this haunting him; wondering what was wrong with him that made him so worthy of our ridicule.

I’m sorry Joe. Please accept my apology and consider what we did some strange artistic compliment.

Life Scripted

2010-09-22T14:35:00.001-07:00

My friend, Brian, recently unearthed some old Brady Bunch scripts while helping clear a friend's father's place. He asked me if I would like to have them to possibly auction for Precious Paws (our animal rescue charity). I eagerly accepted them and when I got them home put them in a box noticing that the one on top was “Cyrano De Brady” This is the episode where Peter, unable to come up with the right words to impress a girl he likes, enlists the help of Greg who hides in the bushes telling him what to say. I didn't have a chance to look through all of the scripts before this one had a magical influence on our household.

My son has a very androgynous look. He's a lucky boy in that both girls and guys find him attractive and at this stage he finds them both attractive too. I would predict that he will wind up being straight but have made it very clear that if he is gay, he'll get no grief from me. God knows there are enough people who think it's their duty to impose any hurtful and stupid judgements that their equally ignorant belief system may have on homosexuals. Since I will never ascribe to such a perverse misuse of human intellect, he is safe with me but I have advised him that a “don't ask don't tell” approach is simply common sense. He definitely likes girls and he currently has one that he is very interested in. In an effort to please and impress her, he agreed to go with her and other friends to a Halloween dance. This group of kids decided they want to dress up as characters from “Rocky Horror Picture Show”. I was surprised that he knew what this was and then he reminded me that he'd seen the movie at the Bonaduce (as in Danny) house. The kids had gotten impatient and he never saw the whole movie. He assumed he was being asked to play the lead role which in his mind would be Frank N. Furter.

He was pretty excited about finding a corset and fish net stockings, I was surprised that he had the courage to be willing to don such a get up. But my son is quite the artist at heart and had he grown up when I did, he might have been in that whole Tiffany theater Rocky Horror scene that several of my friends actually created. I spoke to one of my friends and asked where to get a proper corset for the Frank get up. It seems the market is dominated with a one size fits only large men version that would never do for my slightly built 14 year old son. We discussed various options and when I next spoke to my son I said I was pretty confident that we could pull this off. I showed him pictures of Tim Curry as Frank and Mike said “Yeah that’s the guy, that’s Rocky”. “Well no, “ I corrected, that’s Frank. “She says she wants me to be Rocky”

But this is the star, this is Frank.

You mean Rocky isn’t the star?

No. He’s the creature Frank is making. He’s at the end of the movie.

My son said he’d find out for sure and soon came downstairs saying that he had called another girl to ask details about these costume plans. He isn't calling the girl he likes because he's too shy. “Valerie says that Liz says she wants me to be Rocky, not Frank. She says he's the one at the end of the movie. Rocky. What does he look like?”

Then I turned into Fog Horn Leg Horn. “What... I say what? Let’s get this straight Boy! That! ... I say, THAT is a whole different story!” All of my coolness about my son’s sexuality just went flying out the window and I realized there was a huge difference between “gay” and “just plain faggy ass”. “NO!! I WON'T LET YOU!” Were the next words that flew out of me. I then tried to explain. “That’s just not cool! If you’re going to go out in public wearing nothing but underwear, it needs to be cool!” I explained that dressing up as Frank was taking a big risk, it’s a brave thing to do and even if this girl decides she doesn’t think it’s cool, you will have made a strong statement that you can still feel OK about. Frank is cool. Frank is attractive to both men and women. But Rocky, well Rocky is just a TOOL in gold underpants. TOOL not COOL!

He talked to the girl’s friend who was the liaison for the whole thing. She texted back to him something about how much this girl will like him if he dresses like Rocky. OK now my fears are peaking . I realized that it was entirely possible that my son was being set up. What if they were insisting that he be Rocky just to get him to do something humiliating? And even if this was a simple oversight on their part they will surely realize what a bad move it is after about a minute. This reminded me of the time that the Billboard Awards wanted to reunite us Brady cast members as the Silver Platters. They wanted us to dress up in the old outfits and perform a song. In theory this was fine but in reality it would be glorious for about 15 seconds. The rest of the song would be sufficient time to carry us into irretrievable depths of humiliation. The same would be true for my boy.

“Honey, even if she thinks it’s great, you will be stuck for the entire evening wearing nothing but a spray tan and gold underpants, it will not be pleasant; I can't let you do this. I showed him what the character looked like. He hated it. He went back and texted the friend of the girl to tell her that he wasn’t going to do it. He was willing to be Frank but not Rocky. She replied that it meant a lot to the girl he liked and I suppose she inferred that he would score points with her. He was getting frustrated with me. He wanted to give in but I knew that if he did, it would lead to years of therapy. I knew I could just put my foot down and not let him go but I wanted him to work through this. I was also getting very suspicious of any girl that would try to entice my son to go to a dance wearing nothing but gold underpants. This was making me mad! I told him that he needed to tell this girl directly that he was not going to make a fool of himself. I figured that if she was simply toying with him as I suspect that she is, she really needs to see him stand up for himself and his own dignity. Through the day we went about our regular business while we discussed the matter. While pumping gas I asked him if there was a girl she was jealous of that she thought was really pretty. He mentioned Megan Fox. I said “Tell her that you wouldn’t even dress as Rocky for Megan Fox.” I kept throwing out suggestions until we got home and he handed me his phone and said “Can you just write it?”

That seemed simple enough and so I did. In a minute or two he got a reply saying something to the effect of "you promised now you aren't going to do it, some friend you are! Now we won't include you in any more of our costume collaborations... " This pissed ME off. I discussed his reply but since my ability to word things was better... My fingers were flying as I typed another text explaining that humiliating "me" should not be a necessary element of friendship. "I'd" given a more than adequate substitution of Frank and am now more than a little disappointed in how little respect she had for “my”feelings.

Having done more than my share of meddling I handed the phone back to Mike and told him what had transpired in his texted conversation and what “he” had said. I then left for another errand. When I got back he was beaming. He said she had apologized to him and said she was sorry for not appreciating his feelings. He was very happy. My texts did the trick. I looked at the box on the coffee table and saw the script on top “Cyrano De Brady”. I thought about life imitating art and decided that I'd better stop texting for my son lest this girl falls in love with me through my texts.

So I guess I don’t get to help my son dress up like a sweet transvestite. The kids all changed their minds and decided to dress to the theme of super heroes, Mike is happier because he's going back to his original idea of being a character from his favorite Video game franchise: Super Mario Brothers.

He's going to be Princess Peach.

What Would John Think?

2010-09-17T23:33:00.000-07:00

While in NYC I took this photograph of me at the John Lennon memorial. I was in town on business but stayed to attend the rally against the “Ground Zero Mosque”. I was even going to speak at the rally at one point. I've been fairly obsessed with the subject much to the suffering of my Facebook friends who have to put up with my rants. As I spew my disgust for Islam and seem to be fanning the fires of hate, my profile picture of me sitting in a lotus position on John's memorial seems to paint a contradictory picture. It's really not a contradiction and is a perfect symbol of where I'm at.

At the time I took the photo, I predicted those who would say that the image is contrary to my stance and “What would John think?” would be thrown at me and I wondered that myself. I know John would take the liberal position because I know that most “cool people” are liberally minded. I know this all too well as most of my friends are artists and musicians and thusly, liberals. We try not to talk too much about politics so they don't hate me too much. They don't realize that while liberally scented, I definitely list to the right. It's a fact that is better left unknown. I instinctively cringe at stances that seem overly conservative, yet find myself agreeing with many of them. I know that this is not perceived well in my circles but I can't keep quiet about it, not about this. And it's not just this mosque that has me so bothered, it's the unwillingness of the left to see beyond the obvious. It is the knee jerk silencing of the opposition with words like “Racist and xenophobe” which have lost their meaning being bantered around so carelessly. I feel that there is a definite effort to cater to Islam that is coming from our politicians. They know better but try to convince the populace that this is a matter of religious freedom. I wonder why they are doing this. Why did we spend years of my childhood vilifying communism only to lay down for Sharia? What are THEY getting out of this? And why are the left so blindly following along? Seems there's still an open spigot of free flowing Kool-aid at a hosted bar.

I am absolutely certain that if Hitler were alive today, he would have no problem doing it all over again. All that is required is that Hitler be brown and the Nazi party needs to come from countries that liberals see as being oppressed (never mind that they have oppressed themselves with their backward ways, it has to be our fault because everything is) I know that the left would pave the way for them to succeed in all of their goals. They would say that those who oppose their vision of Supremacy are bigots and racists without seeing the vision of ultimate bigotry and racism that they are enforcing. How do I know this? I know this because I'm watching it happen.

How do I convince my liberal friends? Could I convince John?

What would John think? The answer is fairly clear to me – he would NOT approve. He would not like the fact that I was here to protest the mosque. In fact he would likely say, “Git your bloody bigoted arse off me fancy Imagine mosaic! It's not meant for the likes of you!” At that point I would have no choice but to sit him down and educate him.

John: Come on, it's about religious freedom; are you going to deny them that? Give peace a chance!

Me: No, John it's really not, that's only half the story if that. This isn't just about a religion. Islam is far more than a religion, it's more of a theocracy. It is a political system that demands world domination where it will replace the legal systems of any country that it takes over.

John: But it is a religion of Peace.

Me: Where did you hear that? George Dubya? Most of the human population agrees that the man has the intellect of a potted plant but they all take his word for this? This is a guy who walked hand in hand with a Saudi Prince like they were school girls in love. He kissed the guy. The goal was to keep his promises to his oil friends that bought him his job but it is America who took it up the ass. Our dependance on foreign oil is part of what made the policies in the middle East that many say justify Islam's anger toward us. But that is not the reason why they hate us.

John: America has done plenty to justify the wrath of these countries particularly since we back Israel but find ways to profit off of both sides of that conflict. Notice I say “we” I only got my green card, I could have applied for citizenship in 1981 but some asshole shot me dead. We've done terrible things over there and it looks to me like we're still meddling.

Me: I know John, I can't justify what we've done in the past and I really know very little about what we're doing now. But I feel confident in saying that it has little to do with this issue - the basic conflict between Islam and the West. This has been going on since 1786 when Jefferson bought his copy of the Qu'ran in order to try to figure out a way to deal with the Muslim pirates who were attacking our ships for no other reason than that we didn't believe in their religion.

John Didn't some senator use that copy of the Qu'ran to be sworn into office?

Me: Yes, and it was considered to be a bridge building act of symbolism and Nancy Pelosi tried to say that Jefferson had gotten it to understand the ideology. She failed to say that in his knowledge and understanding of the Qu'ran, he realized that thee was no way to reason with these people. They would only respond to acts of war. And so we attacked. This is where the Marine's song comes from,“From the Halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli we will -

John: Dammit Susan! Lease don't sing!

Me: I'm sorry. My point is that he had concluded that they had only one gripe against us, we didn't believe in their prophet. He also concluded that the only language they could understand was battle because war is so prevalent in their scriptures.

John: But the word Islam means “peace”

Me: Wrong again. Islam means “submission”. Once the entire world submits to the rule of Islam there will be peace; but until that day, the Qu'ran makes it very clear that war must be waged. This war is called Jihad and it is the personal duty of every individual Muslim to wage Jihad. While many Muslims claim that their jihad is just a personal struggle within their own psyche to truly to be the best person they can be – and that's great! Others take this literally to mean that they must wage war. They strap bombs to themselves and even their children to attack the enemy. The enemy is anyone who does not accept the prophet's words as truth. They get bonus points for killing Jews. Their prophet hated Jews so they must too. It really doesn't matter much what Israel actually does or doesn't do to them, their religion commands them to hate Jews. All who don't accept Islam are called Infidels. To die waging war is an honor. Even if it is not a case of war but just spilling the blood of one non believer, spilling the blood of any infidel (even a baby) is rewarded with instant access to a heavenly paradise.

Oddly enough this paradise contains all amounts of bodily pleasure, food, wine, sex, beautiful clothing...

John: Why would those things be important or desirable once one no longer had a body? What good is sex or food if you have no physical self?

Me: It would seem that this would be frustrating. It sounds frustrating as ….well as frustrating as ..Hell! But now I'm digressing with my own theories. There is of course the famous promise that awaits all martyrs entering paradise: of 72 virgins.

John: Oh that's all wrong! I've seen it, it's just a big box of raisins All these guys crying and cursing over a box of raisins, now I know why they are so upset.. they are quite tasty but nothing to die for.

Me: Well promising young boys a brothel in the afterlife not only gets them to kill themselves but they are also willing to put up with far more in this Earthly life. It's a pretty clever way to keep the people in line when they are poor and starving and the government builds palaces for the leaders but gives nothing to the people. They are told that the more they suffer in this life, the more they will be rewarded in the next. These are not bad people. They truly believe that their suffering will end in glory.

John: Very clever! What are the women promised?

Me: It's not clear what they get in the afterlife. But it's very clear that they get a pretty crappy Earthly life, they are considered less than men in every way.

John: Yoko says 'Women is the nigger of the world” We wrote a song about it.

Me: Yes John, I saw you guus perform it on the Dick Cavett Show. In Islam woman is the insect of the world! She has almost no rights. Under Sharia law, a woman's entire body is considered a sexual organ so it must be kept covered. If a woman reveals any part of her body, it is an invitation to rape. Assuming that a man should have control over these urges is not a part of Sharia. Rape happens as though it were an involuntary act on the part of the man with the woman bearing all blame for having seduced him. Rapes occur but since a woman is required to produce four male witnesses to prove it, it is rarely punished.

John: No punishment at all?

Me: Not for the man, the woman gets punished.

John: What choo talkin bout?

Me: Great Gary Coleman impression!

John: Yeah, we've been hanging out lately. Nice guy, still obsessed with trains.

Me: Trains rock. Anyway, the woman gets charged with adultery. She may even get the death penalty and be killed by stoning. If she gets pregnant an honor killing might be in order. It is up to her father and brothers what to do with her. The mother has no control over this. The women have little say and in fact women can't even leave the house without a man that she is related to accompanying her.

John: What a terrible life for women. Very misogynistic society.

Me: Under Sharia, a man can have several wives.

John: Sounds like Sharia grants a far better life for men than women.

Me: Well there's a catch, it's only if the man is a Muslim. Non believers are treated almost as badly as women. Sharia Law is based on Islamic supremacy. Like Hitler believed in a superior race, Islam believes that Muslims are superior and should be treated accordingly. When Islam takes over, non Muslims have three choices: convert, live in subjugation or die. If you are a non believer you will have to pay a tax. Your word will be worth half that of a Muslim in any court of law so don't bother trying to make a case against anyone who wrongs you. If you are so stubborn that you refuse to convert to Islam you may practice your religion as long as it is “of the book” meaning Christianity or Judaism, others will not be allowed. Under Sharia you may still practice but no new churches or temples can be built nor can any existing ones be repaired. So if an old church should fall on the people inside, it will be considered Allah's will to get rid of the non believers.

John:So Islamic countries do not allow churches or temples to be built but they are allowed to build Mosques here?

Me: Yes, we have religious freedom. To them this is foolish because their religion is the only one that should be allowed. To them, Islam is the final and irrefutable word of God.

John:So the Qu'ran is taken literally?

Me: Yes and criticizing or even questioning it is a crime pushable by death.

John:Well that's one way of settling any arguments. But there are many Christians who believe in the Bible literally too.

Me: Yes, but does anyone really take them seriously? Western religion just isn't practiced in the way that Islam is and hasn't been for centuries. We've allowed for Science and reason to step in and temper our religious fervor.

John: But there are plenty of terrible things being done in other religions. Look at the Catholic priests molesting children.

Me: I fail to see how evil done in one religion justifies evil done in another. It's all sick and wrong. But for the sake of argument, let's look at those pedophile priests. A priest is acting on his own weakness and character defect. He is going against his religion. The priest does not have holy scriptures telling him that it's fine to do so and even instructing him on how.

John: Like Muslims do? Awe come on, you have to be kidding.

Me: No joke! Granted, most do not engage in such acts but if they want to, they will find that it is all fine an dandy according to Sharia law. A girl can be married right after birth but sexual intercourse must not take place until she reaches the ripe old age of 8 or 9. In fact there is even a special word: Mufa'Khathat which is the practice of “thighing” a child as young as an infant. Thighing is to place one's cock between the thighs of a child, girl or boy. Sodomy is OK too for girls and boys. While homosexuality is punishable by death in Islam, it's perfectly fine as long as it is NOT between two consenting adults.

John: That's bloody sick! Is there no thought of what is being done to the child?

Me: Sure there is, it is written that if during the act of sodomy one does permanent damage to the child, they must provide for them for the rest of their life, so the prophet said.

John: Their prophet approved of this?

We: Of course! He married a six year old when he was in his fifties!

John: What kind of a man was he?

Me: He was a warmongering, sadistic, murdering, epileptic pedophile of a man. This is a man who slaughtered a woman while she was breast feeding. This is a man who killed a woman's father, husband and brothers then forced her to marry him all in one day. This is a man who declared adoption illegal just so that he could have sex with the wife of his adopted son. This is the guy that is held as the perfect man that all should strive to be like!

John: If Islam is so violent and horrible as all this,why are there so many peaceful Muslims? Most of the ones I've met seem like right nice people, really good people. I can't believe they would believe in any of this stuff.

Me: Many people are here to flee from the religious oppression of their country. They see signs of Sharia coming here but they really can't speak out againt their religion, there are inumerable consequences for them if they do. Many don't even know about this stuff. Just like there are many Christians who don't really practice their faith, there are plenty of Muslims who are simply born into the traditions and don't even know what the Qu'ran says. They are taught to memorize their scriptures in Arabic so many Muslims have no idea what they say. It is important that they pray out loud so that their God, Allah , who was a Moon God, can hear them. It's not important that they know what they are saying. Look at all the Christians who are only Christian on Christmas. One of the better things about America is that we don't really believe in our religions. The drummer from the Police said that on “Politically Incorrect” I thought it was brilliant.

John: I wanted to be on that show. But some asshole shot me DEAD!

Me: I know, I'm sorry. The problem here is that if anyone decides to become more devout, they will become more violent because that is what the scriptures tell them to do: to commit Jihad. This can lead to terrorism. Jihad is taught in mosques, it may be limited to a personal struggle or it may be teaching warfare. Since non muslims are not allowed inside, we really don't know about the militant mosques until somebody accidentally detonates one of the bombs it's hiding and blows their cover, so to speak.

John: But there are extremists in every religion that can be terrorists. Look at Timothy McVeigh.

Me: Oh John! Don't make me hurt you! WHY do people bring him up?

John:Because he was a terrorist!

Me: Bullshit John! He was ONE man! He was not acting on behalf of ANY religion and he certainly didn't have a theocracy and entire countries backing him up in his plans. The people who commit terrorism for Islam are not crazy wackos who have misinterpreted their religion, they are acting according to scripture. That's the part nobody wants to believe! Geert Wilders made a short film illustrating this and for it, he is under attack not just by Islamists but by his own country for hate speech. He was only telling the truth.

John: You fancy him don't you?

Me: Shut up John, that's not the point. It's about truth! All I want is the truth! Right John? There are forces that seek to make the truth illegal! The UN is working on a blasphemy law that would make the criticism of any religion illegal.

John: So much for freedom of speech. Back to the point, in order to prevent more violence you want to stop all mosques, right?

Me: No, just this one. Thee are over 100 mosques in New York City. We just have a problem with this one.

John:Why?

Me: Because it is going to be fifteen stories tall. Tall enough and close enough to tower over where 3000 people were murdered in the name of Islam.

John: Yes, I remember that day. But what if the people building this mosque really mean it as an apology?

Me: Well the Imam and his wife who are the heads of the Cordoba Initiative which is backing this mosque have sort of said that.

John: Well little miss Hatemonger, you would rather hang on to these ancient visions of bigotry than believe him? Shame on you, this is why I didn't want you sitting on me fancy Imagine mosaic thing! Off with you now!

Me: No! I don't believe him John! Muslims have a habit of building mosques on the places that they have conquered. In fact this one was named House of Cordoba which is symbolic of how they build a mosque over a church that they conquered in Cordoba Spain.

John: Yes but it was reconquered and Christians took it back and haven't they changed the name of this mosque to Park 51?

Me: Of course they changed the name, too many people were hip to the Cordoba thing. They also changed what the web site used to say in their mission statement. It used to say that their goal was to create a "tipping point in Muslim-West relations within the next decade, bringing back the atmosphere of interfaith tolerance and respect that we have longed for since Muslims, Christians and Jews lived together in harmony and prosperity eight hundred years ago."

John: You memorized that?

Me: Yeppers

John: You're crazy.

Me: No doubt. Anyway, this time of peace and harmony that they speak of was hardly peaceful or harmonious for non Muslims. Christians and Jews lived in subjugation. You know the Nazis got the idea for putting the yellow stars to mark Jews from Islam. Hitler got a lot of inspiration from Islam and had the Mufti and Muslim troops helping him. He was quite inspired by the Armenian genocide (which Turkey still refuses to acknowledge) and took it's example as proof that he could get away with what he was doing.

This subjugation is called Dhimitude non Muslims living in subjugation as second class citizens. This domination and control, is the harmony and prosperity that they have “longed for”. This is what the Cordoba Initiative is all about!

John: But the Imam has said it is not meant to be anything but a tribute. Do you think he's lying?

Me: I KNOW he's lying!

John: How?

Me: His lips are moving!

John: That's not fair, are you saying that Muslims are liars?

Me: Not exactly but they believe they have God's permission to lie. It's called Taqiyya. This is the sacred right of all Muslims to lie to non believers without any shame for being untruthful. If it advances Islam and gains the trust of the infidel, it is perfectly fine to create any falsehood. The prophet Mohammed said “Kiss their hand until you can cut it off”.

John: So you don't believe it's a cultural center?

Me: How many floors do you need for a swimming pool? Part of what will be housed in this building is the Imam's pet project: The Sharia Index Project. The SIP is dedicated to monitoring the Sharia compliance of all countries in the world while guiding the spread of Sharia law and the global domination of Islam. This is a first step in the advancement of Sharia in America. This will be in the “cultural center” I have copies of the job applications to prove it will be located here.

John: I can see why you oppose having this mosque built.

Me: No we don't oppose it being built.

John: But this is more than just a mosque, this will be a headquarters for the spread of Sharia not to mention being a symbol of Islamic victory over the West.

Me: Good job John! Of course we should oppose it, but we can't it would make a mockery or the freedoms that we stand for. We have to extend freedom even to those who wish to destroy it. It is the high road. Besides, our government would never back us up.

John: Really what do your leaders think? How about the mayor of New York?

Me: HA! He was so quick to approve it! Way too quick! And you should have seen him scramble to keep anyone from investigating where the money for this mosque might be coming from. People are concerned that terrorist camps like Hamas might be funding it and the Imam will not admit that Hamas is a terrorist organization.

John: Sounds suspicious

Me: Damn right! Turns out Mayor Bloomingidiot -

John: You mean Bloomberg?

Me: Whatever, he has a Sharia Finance company in Dubai. He's kissing major Muslim ass to make that work and Obama is talking to him about becoming treasurer. Obama has also appointed Sharia finance experts.

John: I'm not familiar with Obama.

I take out my lap top John gets side tracked with how fabulous technology is today. This takes a while as he wants to see EVERYTHNG on You tube, but I eventually show him our president.

John: Wow, a black president! Well done!

Me: Yes! Isn't that wonderful? Finally a black president! Too bad he sucks.

John: So you are not saying the mosque can't be built?

Me: No, we can't it would be wrong. We're only asking that they choose a different location; one that is further away from Ground Zero.

John: That seems a reasonable request. It's not like you're getting uppity about something stupid ...like say, cartoons. It would really be a nice gesture of peace and harmony if they would relocate.

Me: Indeed.

John: It also seems that by refusing to, they are creating a lot of trouble. Aren't they aware of the trouble they are creating?

Me: Yes but they switched it around. They say it's we who are creating the trouble, that we are racist bigots.

John: But there are 100 mosques in New York tat have been running fine without incident and crimes against Muslims are the lowest of any group. How can they accuse you of being bigots?

Me: Easy, and they have the agreement of our leaders. 70% of Americans are against this and our LEADERS are telling us all that we are bigots for feeling that way. That';s just weird when leaders go against the majority of the people, it's just not like how America is supposed to be. I know there are illusions but to be so blatent about letting us know that they don't give a shit what we think, it's scary.

John: OK let me get this straight, The Islamist want to rule the world with a set of barbaric laws that discriminate against non Muslims, treat women like dirt, abuse children, call for the death of homosexuals and YOU are the ones being called BIGOTS?

Me: Yep.

John: THE WORLD”S GONE TO BLOODY HELL SINCE I LEFT IT! LET'S GO CHANGE IT NOW!!

And with that he would take my hand and we'd grab a cab and go to the rally together and he would set everyone straight. With John's help now America would now be 100% against the location of this mosque and the Imam and his goonies are so humiliated they run away to Dubai to live with Bloomberg who narrowly escapes being tarred and feathered. Afterward, John and I would have a beer or five. We'd invite Geert Wilders to join us. Jimmy Page would soon join us too. OK he has nothing to do with this but it's my fantasy and I might as well go all the way. We might even write an anti Sharia song together and make millions of dollars.

He just might say “I TOLD YOU to get your bloody bigoted arse off me fancy Imagine mosaic! It's not meant for the likes of you!”

Then I'd tell him to go fuck himself

...but I'd still love him.

Roots (For My Nephew)

2007-12-19T05:54:00.000-08:00

"...I am wronged. It is a shameful thing thatyou should mind these folks that are out oftheir wits."

This will never be made into a miniseries because it's about white people.
My nephew asked about our relative who "was a witch". Actually she was NOT a witch. OK like NOBODY that was killed in Salem was, but there are witches. I studied Wicca for a while until it looked as stupid as any other religion. Martha Carrier was accused of witchcraft because some say she had been tellng fortunes, some say she had been friendly with the Indians and had learned some pain killing procedures and such and Cotton Mathers who was the grand poobah of their village did not like that. He was a doctor so I'm sure he felt threatened. Most say that she was a very outspoken woman who despised hypocrisy (a family trait no doubt). She and her husband had an interesting story and I'd really like to make it into a movie one day but there have been so many about the Salem Witch hunts. The worst bit about her trial was that the church got her children to testify against her. They told the of how she would dance in the moonlight and turn into a cat. Imagine her feelings of betrayal! According to Aunt Connie who was writing about this (If you've seen photos of the reunion, Aunt Connie is the 80+ year old wearing the Sweat shirt that says "Every body Feng Shui Tonight") the children were told that they were going to be in a play and were rehearsed for their roles. They had no idea they were sending their mother to the gallows with their testimony. Older children were tortured until they confessed and immediately retracted their confessions but it was too late. (Do you see why Auntie Fluff avoids churches?) Marttha remained indignant. She neve confesd (confession did save lives) One man refused to stand tial and so he was pressd to death. It took him a few days to die right out in public view, stones being added daily.

The Joy of the Season

2007-12-08T14:55:00.001-08:00

This is a photo of my sister, Diane; cousins Melinda and Cynthia and Mini Me just bursting with holiday cheer. Seems Christmas still has the same joy for me now as it did then.

By Popular Demand

2007-04-15T03:57:00.000-07:00

Nappy Headed Flo

2007-04-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Nappy Headed Flo

RIP Lou

2007-03-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

Puppet Master

2007-02-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

If there's any doubt as to the intentions of Howard K. Stern or the sincerity of his "love" for Anna Nicole Smith and "his" child. Check out this recent segment of Greta Van Susteren's show "On The Record" http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,252979,00.html

See the footage here:

http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=514379863

This is between two and three weeks of "his" baby's delivery. A thoughtful Dad, thinking of the money he can make. Oh Howard I hope you get butt fucked in prison! (Oh wait, I hear you like it like that. At least that's what the boys in Santa Monica say)

Happy VD

2007-02-13T16:56:00.000-08:00

Snatcher Jack

2007-02-09T11:28:00.000-08:00

My Little Goth Boy

2007-02-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

Michael entered the Guitar Hero contest and WON! Here are the disturbing pictures: He won this new guitar controller.

The Church of Bob

2007-02-01T05:46:00.000-08:00

clockwise: Bob, Brother Greg, Mother Fluffer, Father Shpritzer, Sister Peaches, Brother Felix, Father Time

I regret to say that the Church of Bob seems to have fizzled out. I believe all of us flockers had our fill of fried food. Now with my bout with hepatitis, an onion ring could be fatal. But thems was good times and there WILL be more! A new supper club will be formed with more variety and less preaching.

You can witness the COB hi jinks at http://fortheloveofbob.blogspot.com/

Barbaro Rest in Peace

2007-01-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

Poor guy lost his battle. I was so hoping he would get to live out the rest of his days as a stud muffin.

sniff sniff

Valentine's Day!

2007-01-24T08:46:00.000-08:00

It's Coming Up Soon!

Instead of just buying chocolates for that secret someone you've been stalking,
consider the elderly,
they need love too.

(Another quality product from Fluffco)

You Know You're a Bad Mom When...

2007-01-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

Your son comes running up to you saying...
"Mommy Mommy! I just found the tablature for "Lick My Love Pump"!

Compounding this infraction is the fact that it is MOMMY who wants to learn this song.

http://www.spinaltapfan.com/spinal-tap-sounds2.html

(Tablature is a system of musical notation for guitarists)

March of the Penguins

2007-01-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

I have a new favorite movie.

This film is so beyond beautiful. The score is wonderful, it is also narrated by my favorite actor (Morgan Freeman)

Of course the best thing is the subject matter... PENGUINS!

These are Emperor Penguins.

(unlike the little shit that bit my hand in Hawaii.
But can you imagine being a penguin in Hawaii?
"Hank" was cranky, I can hardly blame him...
And we did kiss and make up.)

These amazing animals are just so admirable. Of course the babies are completely beyond cute.

What lovely creatures, and what a lovely film.

March of the Penguins Warner Independent Pictures -- Official Site

End of a Dream

2007-01-19T10:44:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that I have turned into a "Stage Mom"
I have relentlessly been trying to turn my son into a rock star.

What is the point of parenting if you don't try to force your kid into your failed dreams??

"What is that you're doing? HOMEWORK? You stop that now and go into the garage and jam with your buddies!
Dammit, I didn't buy you an Ibanez so that you could do Algebra!

Now Go to your studio! Don't come out until you have a demo!"

But I came face to face with the insanity. I called my son's guitar teacher to tell him that we will be ending the lessons (BTW His teacher is one of the most endearing people I have ever encountered - super cute too!) But it's time to realize that the kid just ain't hacking it.

Really hard for me to take because I KNOW he has the talent but he's mesmerised with the game "Guitar Hero".

Thank you Greg for turning him on to that...

Oh wait a minute, I'M the one who bought the playstation and the game.

DHUR!

Still an ELP Fan

2007-01-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

My first musical idol (before I accepted Jimmy Page as my Lord and Savior) was Keith Emerson. I just found this old video which is suitable for the holidays.
YouTube - Emerson Lake and Palmer - Nutrocker
Merry Christmas!

TV Stuff

2007-01-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight (Tuesday, January 8) The History Channel will be showing a special on on how nicely the church treated Galileo for inventing the telescope.
Oh the nerve of him!
We want nothing to do with scientific advancement. It only makes our religious beliefs look silly!

(But as I've said before, if there were smarter people in the church, they might see that science totally supports the idea of something divine)

Said the Insomniac to Her Golden Retriever...

2007-01-09T08:56:00.000-08:00

You've washed your bum, you've cleaned your balls, you've polished and shined your dick.
My God, Trevor, when will this end? What else are you going to lick?

Written at 4:00 AM after all the slurping noises of my large, male dog, licking himself, finally drove me MAD!

Still The Best Music Video

2007-01-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

you have to watch it over and over until you feel just like the guy in the white suit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5ky5ClIjL8

FUN FUN FUN!

2007-01-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry, this blogger's got some kind of flu.
I been real sick.
Feeling lots better now.
Sorry I've been silent!
I'm just starting to get feed back from cool new friends! I love you guys. Thanks for shaking spiritual hands with me. It means a lot!
Sorry I've been so sick.
Actually it's probably worse than a flu. With any luck, it's just menopause.

My darling little Tabitha is in heat. Tabitha is my extra tiny cat. Trevor is my large male dog (Golden Retriever) I have a male cat too. His name is Ryan and I guess he's just not very attractive, she chose the dog.
Oh how I enjoy watching her and Trevor trying to copulate.

It assures me that there is another female on this planet that is having an even harder time than I am in getting laid.
:-)

Harm Is In Us

2007-01-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with this.

Killing as an act of self defence, an act of war, an act of desperation makes some kind of evil sense.

I know he deserved it, but how can we coldly, cooly and colectedly end a man's life? Death is a necessary evil as part of this mortal coil. Anger, hunger fear precede such acts of genocide. To kill one's own kind should be a last resort. To calmly, deliberately execute.. an execution seems like the ultimate evil. When he woke up did he plan to wear those clothes as the clothes he woud die in? Does anybody feel justice here or just the stench of more blood shed

Animalistic behavior has to end at some point...once we have calmed down don't we rise above these urges?

And to all my beloved animal friends, I am so sorry for comparing you to humans. What an insult!

Donald Dick

2006-12-29T03:31:00.000-08:00

The time has come to take a stand. In this feud between Rosie and the Don, I must point out that at least Rosie has used her wit. Donald has pretty much been going "Neener neener neener".
Donald has proven that class, much like the elusive folicle, is something that simply can not be purchased.

You can buy women, but you can't buy character.

You also can't buy taste.
Have you seen his cribs?They look like Liberace's stylist had an epileptic fit. They shreak "Look, here's some gold! Can you see I'm rich??? Look here's marble, can you tell how rich I am??? Here's my synthetic wife, have you noticed that I'm rich?"

Of course he's a man of discriminating taste. He thinks Angelina Jolie is unnatractive but Paris Hilton is "extremely attractive". He's also a big fan of Kevin Federline.
Oh yeah, he's a class act.

Muh Muh Muh My Generation

2006-12-27T11:11:00.000-08:00

Oh the good old days.
We didn't have to wear seat belts, in fact our Buick didn't have any. I think Mom and Dad cut them out because they were always getting in the way. We made "Creeple People" with the "Thing machine" that used scalding water and molten plastic. Easy Bake ovens could burn you. Our Dads could make us fabulous "wagons" that had no brakes and they never went to jail for it. "Small parts, not meant for children under three" Oh fiddlesticks! I thrived on a steady diet of Barbie shoes and who doesnt remember the splintery tastiness of Lincoln Logs? Play-Doh was always saved for desert. We had model cars and toys made of metal; heavy things that could easily knock out a sibbling or a pal that you have suddenly decided to hate.

We were sold cereals that proudly boasted of their sugar content in their names. "Nuclear" and "Atomic" were good words. They meant progress, not tumors. Above all, we were swindled! We were blatantly lied to! It was wonderful and we kept coming back for more. How many packages of Sea Monkeys did YOU get before the words "brine shrimp" finally sunk in?

As an adult, I did receive some as a birthday gift. I kept them in a jar, just two survived but happened to be male and female. They had babies! I had sea monkeys for months but was never able to teach them any tricks except for how to swim in the toilet once their jar needed cleaning.

After the Party

2006-12-24T12:58:00.000-08:00

We had a birthday party for the Christ puppy, Trevor. He was born on Christmas Eve so it's a good excuse for having a Christmas party and if I call it a dog party, people won't expect as much. It went well but I have so much wine and beer left over. The wine I can take to other parties but nobody drank a single beer and I got two cases. I must get it through my head that I'm an old fart now and so are my friends, the days of "keggers" are over. I am investigating the other uses for beer. So far I have found that it is a good hair rinse, a tenderizing marinade and an efective snail killer.

Oddly enough when everyone was gone, I found the book "the Secret Life of Water" on my coffee table. My sister and I had been interested in the experiments that had been done that I mentioned in a previous blog. This is where I start believeing in a higher power, on the sub atomic level. My sister works at the library and had tried to order the book but it was at some other library and would take a week or two to get. Suddenly one of her co-workers who had also seen the movie featuring the experiments said "Hey Diane, do you believe in quantum physics? Do you believe that something can be in two places at once?" With that she held up the book which had just come in from some other place. Very strange, so I figured that Diane had just brought it with her to show me but no. We still don't know who left it behind... did anybody? Was it Santa? I suppose this is "a sign" I'd better put on my strong glasses and get reading!

Bad Seed

2006-12-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

Here is my alter ego and childhood idol, Rhoda Penmark. I used to wear my hair in braids to look like her. Lovely child!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT6xhAYpAKU

Oh Dear

2006-12-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

Five postings and it's not even 2:00. See what happens when I turn on the computer? Forget quitting world of Warcraft, I could stay in Youtube for a month. I did find a good clip from "Everything Is Illuminated'. Funny, though, When I look at Elijah Wood, all I see is Mumble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8pg2P1MQWY&mode=related&search=

Curious George and The Bible

2006-12-17T12:43:00.000-08:00

And if you doubt that religion is stupid, just look at those who believe in it. George believes that God wanted him to be president... I'm sorry but if I were inclined to believe in mythology, I would say that it was the devil that gave him this position. The man is a far worse terrorist than Osama. What makes him any different in killing for his beliefs than the guys that flew planes into the twin towers?
Absolutely NOTHING!
Please understand that when I criticize the ...president (choke, cough, sputter)I am criticising the administration. Poor George isn't smart enough to destroy this country single handedly, he's just the patsy. Still, it is utterly amazing to me that people can listen to this freak and believe that he has any more sense than a proboscis monkey. Unbelievable! You can't say Fundamental without the word "mental". George w. believes that anybody who doesn't buy into the Jesus thing is going to Hell. That's scary! It's scary that somebody who is that insane would be put in a position of power. But there's lots of crazy folk out there. There are people who are perfectly sane and intelligent who are devout in their beliefs that make no sense whatsoever. When focused on their faith, it's as if their brains know to run and hide and wait until the desire to reason returns. These poor little brains have been beaten for their unwillingness to believe in fairy tales and know when to retreat.
People, in general, are not really that stupid. Stewart Copeland expressed it best on an episode of "Politically incorrect" when he pointed out that our bible is just as nutty as the Quran but the beauty of this country is that we don't REALLY believe in our religion.

Keep the (lack of) Faith!
Amen

But I DO Believe

2006-12-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

I just don't believe in religion. While I understand that the essence of faith is to believe in something that cannot be proven and that the LEAP of faith is a beautiful thing, it is also very harmful. I believe religion is the deadliest poison on this planet but I do believe in God. I need not take a leap of faith to do so. I believe that a higher intelligence is present at all times and it's evidence can be seen. If it helps to envision this energy as some bearded guy answering your prayers, go ahead, have at it. just don't hurt others who disagree. I see God in Quantum physics. At a sub atomic level, particles are influenced by our thoughts (prayer) Magic is real, we just need to rise above our ego driven selves.

Here is an example of what gives me goosebumps and lets me know that there is a God.
https://www.hado.net/watercrystals/photographs.php

Sunday School

2006-12-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Awright Kiddies!
It's Sunday, time for your brainwashing! Cleanse that brain, make it shiny clean and perfectly empty so that you may receive your weekly dose of religious bullshit. That's right, fill your head up with doody! It's good for you! AND it's good for the country! Our military enterprises would go bankrupt were it not for religion. After all, religion is the cause of most wars. Without religion, we might not have any wars, THEN WHAT would we do? Why that would be just awful for our career soldiers. SO keep that hate flowing! Go buy a new bible today! Don't be confused when that bible contradicts itself, just pick the most hateful truth and that is the one that is sure to be God's will. Remember, above all, that God will never answer your prayers unless you give him lots of money!!!

Now here is a most inspiring man. I believe the Lord is speaking directly through him. Praise God!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMLxfkvZ3QU&mode=related&search=

Girls Gone Stupid and Shaved Pussy

2006-12-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

I remember the dawn of women's lib, the bra burning, the protests. I didn't agree with some if it but was grateful for most of it. Throughout history women have been opressed (mostly due to religion). We fought to get the vote, to wear pants, to work, to get the same pay and to have equal rights. Decades of hard effort and now the young generation aspires to be in "Girls Gone Wild". I suppose I may sound like a prude to some, it's not nudity I'm against, it's stupidity and women's willingness to exploit themselves. I can understand why the Muslim nations call our women whores. In the case of certain high profile celebrities, this seems to be an accurate definition.

The latest trend of flaunting one's genetalia like a new purse is rather disturbing. I can believe that going sans panties might feel kind of good, like skinny dipping; but the ladies I knew who dared to do this wore longer than usual skirts to avoid embarassment. These fabulous celebrities wear very short mini skirts which suggests to me that this these pussy slips are no accident, just a desperate plea for attention. (But we're used to that from Paris, what ELSE can she do?)

Spot the Twat!:
Paris
http://idontlikeyouinthatway.com/image_pages/phsnatch.html

Lindsay Lohan
http://www.mollygood.com/media/viewer/09120620lindsay20lohan2010-20060912.php

Britney Spears
http://www.totallynsfw.com/galleries/galleries_the_britney_pussy_shots/

And there's one of Jennifer Lopez but I'm having a hard time finding the site and I'm too lazy and too high brow to waste a lot of time looking for pussy. So why are these women so needy for attention? They have lots of money but that obviously doesn't buy class. Maybe it's just the PETA side of them. They are being humane in giving their crabs a breath of fresh air.

What is noteworthy to me is that they are all completely shaved. (Well, pretty much any girl with two IQ points to her name would know to use Veet rather than a blade in certain areas... Oh yes Paris does seem to have razor burn) Pamela Anderson is clean as a whistle in her latest Playboy ...spread.

Is this what guys want? I always thought that men who wanted a clean shave really wanted a ten year old and that's creepy. True the garden should be tidied but not plowed under, right? It's called "bush" not "desert" right?? Sure the Angela Davis Afro is out, but what about the runway, the Hitler look or maybe just a John Waters Moustach??? NOTHING????

Well guys, if that's what you want, fine but NOT until you're just as diligent about ridding yourselves of back hair!

PS: Paris cover up that nasty thing. As Borat would say, "It hangs like the mouth of a tired dog"

Go Away Rachel Ray!!!

2006-11-28T22:19:00.000-08:00

She's everywhere I turn!

All while I was sick with a terrible flu it seemed that whenever I opened my eyes, I saw Rachel Ray. I like the Food Channel but she's on it 24/7. I go to the book stores, she has at least 50 books. She has a talk show and even CDs. (No she's not singing. It's music to eat by.) I'm also a bit sick of this easy quick cooking crap that she endorses. There is way too much of this on the food channel. Take a can of beans and a can of Spaghetti-Os add Ritz crackers and call it "Goulash". I miss Julia Child!

Sure I'm jealous of all the money she's making, but there's such a thing as over saturation. She's also just annoyingly perky and cute. She has the same reaction to everything she tastes and EVERYTHING is great. Once, just ONCE, I'd like to see her bite into something and say "Eeew, this tastes like donkey ass!"
Now I go to the store and her face is on every box of crackers. I can not buy "Chicken in a Biscuit" because I don't want to open my pantry and find her THERE too! (Also because Chicken in a Biscuit tastes like donkey ass) Please, make it go away!

Crappy Career

2006-11-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

After the variety hour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfWvhXfY00E

I didn't think my career could get any worse

But it DID!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIPAwzwLD0E

But remember, her hair is soft and easy to care for. Her skin is soft too.
Just how soft is her brain?

Anthony Bourdain

2006-11-17T12:13:00.000-08:00

I like this guy.

http://www.anthonybourdain.com/

Culture Corner

2006-11-14T03:09:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite artist
http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/the_simpson_family/index.html
She is so brilliant!

I love this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_81l4DXlwM
The band is Gogol Bordello. The lead singer is Eugene Hutz (there should be an umlatt in there but I'm too lazy to figure out how to do that)He co-stars in the movie "Everything Is Illuminated" I highly recomend this film! He is wonderful, as is Elijah Wood. Eugene is like Borat but real. The film takes a turn unlike anything I've ever seen.
My sister discovered this movie. Thanks Sis, for being so weird.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eUsMvngwzKo&mode=related&search=

My favorite writer is David Sedaris (Yes, Amy is his sister)
Here he is doing a reading:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y

And, of course, Sacha Baron Cohen is GOD!

I Such a Big Girl

2006-11-14T00:16:00.000-08:00

I went to a movie all by myself!
I simply couldn't let any more time pass without seeing my beloved Borat. I had promised to go with four different people.
Who to go with? It made my mind all a jumble!
I decide I go with ME!
Be a big brave girl! Go to a movie by yourself! It will be dark in the theater, nobody can see what a miserable lonely fuck you are.

The movie was what I knew it would be. Sacha is my hero
the film was even better than I expected. Make many million dollar my Kazakhe Sweetheart!

But there is a reason for not going to the theater by yourself:
There is nobody else to help you remember where you parked your car.
I spent more time in the parking lot than I did in the movie!
I got to the point where I was whistling and calling my car.
But my car is not just old, smelly and purple,
it is stupid and doesn't know it's name.

So Cal Plague

2006-11-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

I've had this Southern California plague for ten days. Never knowing which end of me would be the first to ...express itself, I've decided that there should be a double decker toilet. I haven't yet drawn up the plans or made a prototype, but, hey, I'm right on it!

Live Sex Acts!

2006-10-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have been living a celibate life. Not really my choice, it has just turned out that way and I'm OK with it. Relationshits have turned me off so much I barely have ANY inclination. However, my household seems to be alive with sexual energy. Now the dog and cat are going at it...
Wha??????
I have a male cat (Ryan), but my female decided to go bigger.
I felt the need for proof that a tiny cat and a large dog will make the effort. I became quite the stylist, filming it in Sepia. This is Trevor and Tabitha in their acting debuts (Ryan, my troubled middle child, refuses to be part of a three way)

Here 'tis:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5abQb1vUKM

What Been Going On?

2006-10-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

I've not gone away, I only became engaged with more pressing matters.
I've not had the time to blog..
I have not even read my favorite blogs
I have not had time to shower...
No, I have been far too busy!

I've been doing all kinds of important things!

I scrubbed all the downstairs toilets (OK there's only one but it IS the most used)

ummm....

I cut back the weeds so the electric company can see the meter...

ummm

I changed my dog's kibble to a "light" version that will keep him slim while remaining inactive.

And
I Played World of Warcrack.

The MMORPG was featured on South Park
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KFE7_MZN1ls

I don't play to win. It's my acting gig. I am borat.

My character is so near to leveling!
How CAN I turn away???
I'm a guild master now!

I nearly want an intervention...
But if I got one I would FIGHT IT!
I would go into Dire Bear form
use demoralizing roar
Fairy Fire
Maul, Maul
Bash
... sigh

I am sure that some day I will walk amongst the living again.

2006-05-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

They Shoot Horses Don't They?

2006-05-21T02:03:00.000-07:00

The Preakness is FREAKNESS!
I hate horse races!
Does anybody remember 1975 the special Boy VS Girl race of Ruffian and Foolish Pleasure?????????
My heart still has scabs from that Fateful day
(and Ruffian WAS winning)
God bless Barbaro and keep him well.
May your beautiful leg heal

Garbage Trucks

2006-05-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

With the price of gas so high, why is the trend toward BIG cars? When we had rationing in the 70s people bought smaller cars. I guess people were bothered by waiting in gas lines far more than they are bothered by prices. The fact that we are dependent on fanatical governments to get this oil doesn't seem to bother anyone too much. We're just fighting a war because of our dependence on oil. (Yes that IS what it's about)Environmental concerns have also lost their importance as new generations become increasingly self absorbed. Funny how the families of the 70s seemed to manage with sedans. Families today are smaller, why do the cars need to be so much larger?

But I'm guilty of it too. People feel safer in the larger cars. I know I do, but this would not have been my choice, it's a decision that has been forced on me. Unfortunately, OUR need for safety compromises the safety of others. It is an unfair playing field, with all the SUVs and light trucks out there, the person with a sedan is at much greater risk.

I have a very ugly van. I would love to drive the kind of sports cars that I used to but I don't dare. I have to compete with all the other vehicles in my area and they are all huge. My van's engine went out. The van is old and looks like a big purple terd. I would have loved to get something else. I did not have the money to get an SUV. I did have the money for a sedan. Since I have a child and I want him to live, I chose to put a new engine into my piece of poo van. I need to wait until the trend for others is to drive a smaller car.

That aside, there is something I really don't understand - Jacked Up Trucks. They actually have little ladders for people to climb into them. While I understand the "Monster Truck" in theory and as an integral part of white trash culture, why are these only slightly smaller trucks allowed on public streets? Further more, why is it legal to jack up these trucks? While some models right off the lot have an unsafe elevation, there are plenty of people who get their's customized to be even higher. These menaces make the bumpers of smaller cars pointless. If one of these rear ends a sedan, what might have been a miner fender bender now becomes a serious accident. The front end of the truck goes into the most vulnerable part of the car. If there is a passenger in the back seat they may well be decapitated or otherwise fatally injured.

Furthermore these trucks are being driven by those who are far more likely to drive aggressively, speeding, tailgating, intoxicated. Consider the personality of someone who needs to be so far above others. There's a word for that: ASSHOLE.

See how a Honda Civic fairs with just a 4x4 (not even jacked up)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=m_86RuYXoJA&mode=related&search=

Happy Glasses

2006-05-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

I need to get me some of these.
Just think of what a better place the world would be if EVERYBODY wore Happy Glasses.

Proof That I Have Gone Insane

2006-04-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

I really really do like the Andy Milinakis Show.
I just got Wondershowzen but it is trying too hard to be offensive and it is using REAL children to do so. Me no likie the Wondershowzen... but I'd still work for the show.
Andy Milinakis is FABOOO!
It's just the stupidest shit I've ever seen.
Andy is the REAL Peewee Herman.
At first I was really dissapointed that he is not a kid. Since we bought the first season on DVD (because my son BEGGED ME, and it is not bad for kids) I have grown to love him.
He is a man that looks like a child, this is his reality and this is how he deals with it.
I think he rocks!

That's kinda scary.
What's even scarier is how much I relate to the old lady with the big glasses that he has on his show. Her name is Rivka.
I can sound just like her.
I can SOON BE just like her.
I hope that when I go nuts with age that I can find me a chubby boy to play with!
I want chicken drumsticks on MY head.

Nothing Cuter

2006-04-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

"Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo!" This is what I keep saying ad nauseum to anybody that I instant message on Yahoo.
I don't know where I found this image or who originally photoshopped it. Feel free to contact or sue me. I would love to meet you as I have gotten such joy from it.

I have made this my avatar on Yahoo IM.

I find myself, at times when I'm not sure what to say, just typing "Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo". Sometimes I just can't help it, I look over and it all hits me: the innocence, the joy. It's so sweet.

I understand the smile on his face because I too, have a Hello Kitty vibrator! It's not really a DILDO, but the size is plenty for George, and he's so happy because he knows it's very rare and special.
You see Hello Kitty was just an image that Sanrio liscensed for a fee. Sanrio wasn't real discriminating. I think the direct translation of their motto to Engrish was "We like money very good! Sign contract, more money! More money make more happy. We like happy."
This is why you used to see stores like Hot Topic sporting Hello Kitty punk gear. Sometimes they even had Kitty doing things like flipping the bird. They probably told the geniuses at Sanrio "This is how Americans say 'Yay Japan!'"

There is a Hello Kitty gun, Vespa, car, tooth caps and I hear there is a coffin but have not confirmed that. I know for certain that there is / was a Hello Kitty vibrator; I'm looking at my very own. Sanrio finally got a clue and realized that they had pimped Kitty carelessly, the most obvious example being the sex toy. They tried to stop production but legally could not. They diligently sought any way that they could bring this manufacturer of meat substitutes down and fianlly did. TAXES!
Pleasure Kitty is no longer being made. Mine is very rare, she is sitting on my computer staying warm. She has never been out of the box (ahem, packaging) until last night. My son came in...

"Mommy you never use that pen."
"It's not a pen."
"What is it?"
"Um, it's a ...personal massager... Yeah, for sore shoulders and stuff!"
"I want to try!!!"
"No, no no! It's a collector's item! Never been out of the box (ahem, packaging)
"Please Mom!! I promise I'll be careful!"
I become aware that my son is begging me to let him use my vibrator.
"Well... OK, just this once!"
I had to show him how to turn it on.
He held it to his shoulder, then neck then made some really innapropriate giggling sounds and coments on how it tickled. Then he was done.
"See Mommy, I didn't break it!"
I put Kitty back in her box, ahem... packaging.

Nothing cuter than a monkey with a dildo.

Now I REALLY Love Japan

2006-04-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

That's right, it's beer for kids!

The Japanese company behind Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic beverage that looks like the real thing, is apparently shipping 75,000 bottles of the stuff a month. From The Japan Times:
Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults.

"If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining."

The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

"Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," reads the product's advertising slogan.

Of course the perfect companion to this is the book "Baby Make Me a Drink" which helps toddlers stop being such useless life forms and teaches them a useful skill that helps keep parents happy! http://www.atomicbooks.com/products/-/98.html

I Love Japan

2006-04-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

No Me Gusta!

2006-04-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Tax deadline today. I REALLY resent giving money to a government that is selling our future to corporate America. I especially detest shelling money out to this State of California when my dollars are being spent on the people of another country. My son will see none of it but will inherit the problems that the new frontier will bring. He will IF we stay here, which I hope we don't. There is no future for a kid as lilly white as my son; no GOOD future. WE pay our taxes while our state goes bankrupt, buckling under the financial burden that is the illegal population.

NO, THEY DO NOT PROVIDE ANYTHING BENEFICIAL TO THE ECONOMY!!! Anybody with two IQ points to rub together can figure out the math on this! The drain to the state economy is enormous. Migrant workers are pretty much exploited and since their kids are given instant citizenship, they feel they should not have to do these hard labor jobs. We then need to import MORE migrant workers who understand the terrible life they are fleeing and really DO work their butts off. However, by the time their bodies are giving out due to the strenuous labor, they have learned how to get disability and other things that should never be made available to non US citizens. What other country is so stupid? Do you think you could get benefits in Mexico?

Don't tell me they do the jobs that we won't do! They have taken the jobs and done them so cheaply that they are no longer available to us. The average contractor who hires Americans can't compete with the bid that a contractor who hires illegals can make. The result is that more blue collar Americans get laid off to be replaced by illegals. The American can keep his job if he is willing to work at a rate that will make it necessary for him to live in a house with two other families...the American way of life takes a huge nose dive. Welcome to the third world, Mr. U.S. citizen. It's right in your backyard!
The middle class is becoming extinct.
What about our kids? I think every young person should work at least one shit job in their life but McDonalds won't even hire anybody who doesn't speak Spanish. (Funny how the same rule doesn't apply to speaking English - SO ass backwards - but I always knew that clown was evil)
Who really benefits from this situation? Big Business.
Who pays off our politicians? Big Business.
Who runs our country? Big Business.

Why is California bankrupt? Because the politicians have catered to corporate America and all parties are courting the hispanic vote with blind greed and no consideration for future generations. What is California's largest import? A third world lifestyle that we will ALL inherit . Don't think it affects you? You might feel very differently when you or a loved one are in an ambulence that is turned away by an overburdened hospital. We have lost 84 hospitalshttp://www.theamericanresistance.com/articles/art2005mar13.html that have collapsed under the financial burden of caring for uninsured and undocumented people who crowd emergency rooms with non emergency illness as it is their only choice for helthcare. It's that, and the endless parade of women in labor. If you live in another state, don't believe that this is a far away problem, remember, California is a trend setter. What happens here, points to the future of the rest of the country. This place is too far gone, no hope here. Learn a lesson and SAVE your own state!!!

Manwhile, I have designed a new flag for the state that I hope to soon leave.

Future Youth

2006-04-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

After being such a clever boy and clipping coupons, I decided to reward my child by letting him use some of the coupons he had clipped. Unfortunately for me, these were coupons for Chuck E. Cheese...THE gambling casino for ages 3+

And so we went. I enjoyed a not so gentle reminder of why I don't like crowds and experienced a slice of the pizza pie that is American society.

Being a bit of a Skeeball fan, I am rather appalled at the number of PARENTS that tell their children to just walk up the Skeeball ramp and STICK your ball in the 1000,00 point hole, score loads of tickets..wee!
Entitlement.
There are no RULES, there is only the selfish need for your own gain.
I couldn't help but shout out to the little girl, loud enough for her white trash father to hear.."Isn't it FUN to cheat???"
Looking around, the future of humanity is looking sad and the future of this country is hopeless.

The folks that would make the best parents are either not having children or are responsible enough to not want to increase their numbers, they limit their offspring to one or two.
The ignorant will always breed like insects. Ignorance is not just limited to po folk and those who come from the South of a non existent border. While there has always been a correlation between the number of missing teeth and the number of offspring, their is also a relationship to how fundamentally religious one is. Again, ignorance is the key. So if the ignorant, irresponsible people are having the majority of our future citizens, how could life possibly get anything but worse?

People are not having families, they are shitting babies.
Every Turd is a demographic point.
Every turd a VOTE (even if you have to hold up a little chunk of turd and help it make a punch hole because this is too difficult for them)

Back to day to day...
My sister and I were waiting forever for somebody to let us turn into a parking place as they all whizzed by in the overcrowded parking lot, in our overcrowded suburb. Nobody has the time to pause to be courteous, nobody thinks that good will might start with THEM. NOBODY takes on that responsibility* They leave that to the next guy. Finally somebody gave us that courtesy; of course he had white hair. What Tom Brokaw called "The Greatest Generation" are a dying breed and are not being replaced. I will always miss them and I live among people who never knew them. They really missed out.

My LOVE

2006-04-09T02:14:00.000-07:00

OK It is time to confess.
I am head over heels in love with Sasha Baron Cohen.
OK I never met him
So what?
OK he's engaged.
So what?
I don't love him THAT way...
Oh but look at his hands... just look at his hands...the most beautiful hands and how I wish they were...
OK, Enough.
The point is that this man is a comedic genius and as far as I'm concerned he has no equal.
He will be acknowledged for "Da Alli G Show" But MY favorite character of his is
BORAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE Borat!
I AM Borat!
Yes I really am, My main character on WoW is "Iamborat" (WoW is a reference to "World of Warcraft" the online role playing game that is curently eating my brain)

Borat Movie coming soon!
WAHOOOOOO!

You should love him too
http://www.borat.tv

Warcrack Addict

2006-04-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

I am a junkie. I like MMORPGs
(massive multiplayer - whatever the fuck it stands for)
It all started with Toontown
Now I play World of Warcrack
http://www.apple.com/games/trailers/worldofwarcraft/trailer480.html

Sanrio Triptych

2006-04-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Trouble Squared

2006-04-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

We began to realize that Dad was falling apart under the pressure of taking care of Mom.
Mom was pretty darned selfish for most of her life, particularly in her relationship with Dad. Now in this bed ridden state, she was VERY dependant on him. Obviously, she would be. But her insecurities ran so far that she couldn't let him out of her site.
She would ask for something and he would go get it for her but she couldn't handle him being gone.
Dad was so overworked he slept whevever he could. This made Mom feel alone so she would shout at him just to make sure he was awake.
If that didn't work, she threw her teeth at him.
After hitting him square in the head a few times she learned that this was a very effective means of communication. She used it often, and while she could no longer walk, her throwing aim was impressive.

We realized that Dad's mind had also packed it's bags on one particular call.
Diane and I would 3-way call and Dad was usually sharp enough to understand that the call was from his "Two Headed Daughter". We would ask how things were, and he would say that all was quite well.
We knew better.
"How's Mom?"
"Oh she's fine but you know she just won't get out of bed"
(she hasn't for a year)
US: Dad, does Mom have her teeth in?
Dad: Let me check... no she doesn't.
Us: Oh Dad, she has thrown her teeth again. Do you know where they are, did you find them?
Dad: Well yes, I found SOME teeth...
Us: Dad, those are Mom's teeth...
Dad: Well you would think so..
Us: Yes, we would think so...
Dad: She says they're not her's.
Us: Dad she also says she's fifteen and lives in Iowa!

He was trusting her word. I tried to make him see that there was little chance that somebody was sneaking into the house to put dentures under furniture. There was no partnership between the tooth fairy and Easter Bunny; dentures are not being hidden around the house for happy children to find.

The best solution was to tell him that SHE was confused or just being stubborn and that he should keep trying to get her to accept her teeth. He must have found ways because they were usually in her mouth when we would visit.

"How's Mom?" became a dreaded question. You could talk to Dad and he would say that everything was fine and dandy. Then ask about Mom, "Oh she's fine"
US: Really Dad? Are her teeth in?
Dad: Let me check.... She's laying on the floor.
Us: OH NO! Dad what happened?!
Dad: Well I don't know.
Dad had forgotten whatever had happened to make Mom struggle enough to roll out of bed. We didn't want him to try to pick her up and hurt himself, so we would get him to ask a neighbor for help. We could call on neighbors too. Most everyone was very sympathetic to Dad's refusing to put Mom in a facility. Faced with the fear of being put away themselves, the neighbors in this retirement community were far more helpful than younger ones might have been.
We needed friendly neighbors, Mom and Dad lived two hours away. It wasn't like we could jump in the car and go on a denture hunt just like that. We did, however spend most of our free time going down there to ease Dad's burden. Sometimes we would arrive and find Mom laying on the floor, happy as a clam, and waving at us. "Hello girls!" like it was all perfectly normal to be spending the afternoon on the floor. My dog would be so happy to have her at this convenient level so he could love on her with ease. Mom loved Cortez - he wasn't "a licker".

Funny Sad Stuff

2006-04-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

So Mom had simply forgotten how to walk.

And so she didn't.

we never had a reason explained to us.

Mom had been going goofy for a while but this forgetting how to walk was a significant change.
We got her a hospital bed and she had physical therapy. Most of these "professionals" were best skilled at talking to old people like they are retarded two year olds. A normal two year old would be insulted.

Dad insisted on caring for her.
They had made a pact to never put one another in a home.
They had also made a pact that if one died, the first would pull the other one through.
Both promises had to be broken

Ipecoke

2006-04-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

The one on the left is carbonated and induces a more bubbly vomit

2006-03-31T09:33:00.000-08:00

So I'm a gonna try to be a better blogger and like...um...write some stuff.
So what I was getting at in my earlier post is that humor can keep you well. If it doesn't seem to be working, take it up a notch and it will make you goofy enough that you don't give a shit.

My mother was wonderful. We were really good friends. She was my Yoda - my spiritual advisor who could take me from utter despair to seeing the light with just a few manipulative phrases.
My Dad was a truly unique person. No one else like him. As a child I didn't really appreciate him as much as I should have. I saw his approach to life as far too simple. My mother was as complicated I was, (am). I was considered to be gifted in art. She bought me french drawing papers and oil pastels. Dad would lovingly offer up a new box of crayons. I would scoff, turn on my heels and go on some diatribe about the disgustingly waxy nature of the common crayon. It breaks my heart now to imagine his feelings of dijection.
The irony is that I got my artistic talent from him; but he didn't have a mother who could afford to buy him oil pastels. His parents were imigrants (that's IMIGRANTS - LEGAL ONES!) He attended some school function with his mother and they went to view the winners of the artistic achievement awards. One of his drawings was there! On closer examination, it was presented as being the work of another student. Some talentless kid kid took my Dad's drawing and entered it as his own and won a prize. His mother did nothing... She was afraid to make any waves in the country that she was grateful to be a part of. (What a SHARP contrast to the recent antics of the sewage that has rapantly leaked its way from Mexico to California. I am not refering to people as sewage but rather, to the notions of entitlement and of course the turds that fall directly from the generous bunghole of Presidente Fox)

Dad was a man with a tootsie roll center and as just as Mr. Owl pointed out, it only took three licks to get to it. His sweetness was nearly inhuman; Paraleled only by my cousin Melinda who is not a blood relative of my Dad but posesses this same "Alien" quality of having no malice. When he tried to get mad, one could see that it required a great deal of effort. His attempts at acting were as pathetic as Bob Saget's. I suppose Dad was trying to rely on some sense of corporate protocol when disciplining us kids. He became very formal in reprimanding us. Like it was all going into some recorded memorandum. (This essence of formality is so like my boy. I do, often acknowledge the POSSIBILTY that my son's autism comes from MY side of the family, but I get FAR more satisfaction from blaming it on his father's side and believe me, their gene pool is much more murky than ours!)
His efforts at being fearsome, alas did not incite fear, they produced laughter.
I will never forget the site of my father in the hallway with my brother, Chris. My bother's room was at the end of this hall and Dad was sort of trying to back him into his "cage" with a chair in one hand and a yardstick in the other. Chris was on the floor, doubled over, laughing. When he finally composed himself enough to speak, he pointed at Dad and shouted to me and my sister "Look at him, he's a Lion Tamer!!!"
Well we all had to laugh.
Dad with his chair and yardstick, his kids laughing at him. It was enough to actually piss him off but instead he laughed too.

Born on August 4 1917. A LEO!

So I talked about Dad - this was NOT what I planned

Blogs have a mind of their own!
OH NO!
Duck and Cover!!

Priceless

2006-03-31T09:06:00.000-08:00

Sony Playstation 2: $150.00

Guitar Hero Game: $70.00

Hearing my son mangle the words to "Killer Queen": Priceless

"To avoid complications, she never kept the same address. In conversation, she spoke just like a marionette.
Met a man from China, went down to her vagina
and then again accidentally if you know how to climb"
Michael, 03/06

What Broke My Spirit

2006-02-21T21:55:00.000-08:00

So why am I now fat and lazy and bored and have dented body parts?
Wasn't I tremendously fit just two years ago?

In the first place I lost weight while smoking.
THAT's EASY!
Quitting cigarettes is a request for at least 15 pounds. I got the two for one deal, I gained thirty.

I foolishly decided to take life by the shirt cuff. I wanted everyting. I wanted success and in order to achieve this I needed to be in shape.
I worked it..I got there...well almost, not good enough for MY standards. but I could look in a mirror and like what I saw.
I could look at photos of me and like them too.

But I lost it..er I gained it..I gained it all back.
WHY?
Well there is the obvious, quitting smoking.
Yes I quit having "smokey treats" - Cigarettes.
But mostly it was the emotional crap that drove me straight to Taco Bell.

My parents died
and they took a long time doing it.

While this was sad enough to pack the pounds on me... It wasn't without it's funny points. THAT is the good thing I got from the experience..
There is laughter...EVERYWHERE

Broke Butt Mountain

2006-02-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

It is often said "I busted my ass on this" but for how many is this literally true? I actually have busted my ass, not once but twice. The first event happened in the hours preceeding a dinner party. I fell on my stairs and landed right on my left cheek. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain but this hurt so badly that I actually cried. My left cheek looked like an eggplant for a while and when it had healed, there was left behind a small dent. This wasn't THAT noticable and looked like cellulite but I was concerned that it would never go away. My brother fell on a popsicle stick when he was young, he is nearly sixty and still has this self inflicted dimple on his cheek (face cheek, unlike mine) Then about a month ago I did it again BANG! Right cheek this time and I fell even harder. I hobbled to my computer and began playing World of Warcraft while telling a friend of my acident. He advised me that stairs come with handrails for a reason and that I might try using such things. I could hardly argue with that. As the night wore on, the injury became very hot like all the blood was rushing to repair this broken butt. "You could fry an egg on my ass" I comented. Over the following days the enormous bruise kept spreading even venturing onto the other cheek. Now it has been at least a month and it still hurts like Hell if I sit on it wrong. I have a VERY significant and unsightly dent with a bit of a swelling above it. Is this a tumore? DO I have ass cancer? Am I to go through the rest of my life with a dented butt?

OK I Get It

2006-02-20T18:09:00.000-08:00

I hate when things are so simple! That ALWAYS confuses me! Thanks Baby Jewels! You are a gem!

2006-02-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

OK is THIS how I make a new post?

Look Ma, I Made a Blog!

2006-02-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

For some reason the idea of a blog has been appealing to me. I decided I wanted one so I've sat myself down and made myself do it. I wanted to get this far before my trip to Banning. Why Banning? Why not? It's such an elegant town. Actually, it is because I own half a house there. Our parents died and left my sister and me their house. It has been empty for two years and still not cleared out enough to rent it out. We hope to rent it furnished to save us the burden of getting rid of the furniture. So all we have to do is get the personal effects out of there. Why does this take two years? Because my sister is sentimental and I am a stone cold heartless bitch. Just ask my manager that I recently fired after 14 years. He will definitely concur. I say we should get an estate seller in there and gut the place if it can't be rented furnished but this only redefines me as a person with no regard for memories and a despicable lack of desire for living in the past.

I have recently adopted the philosophy "When in doubt, throw it out" I'm getting good at that, at least when it comes to other people's stuff. When it comes to various Happy Meal toys, packaging with bad Engrish, pop bottles, Hello Kitty items and many other useless collections, I become Gollum, "My PRECIOUS!" In a quick move to get my son's play room cleared up enough for his new drum kit, I threw away so many of his toys that he would have cried and hung on to. When he'd leave the room I would bag them. He has never ever missed any of these things since. This new attitude however, has done little for the state of my house which is just a wreck. I am no housekeeper but I need to try.

My goals are to keep the house in order and lose 35 pounds. Oh yeah, it would be nice to have a job too. You, the reader, can enjoy my FASCINATING odyssey of trying to accomplish these things.

Now I must be on my way to the library, I have to have a book on tape for the 2+ hour drive to and from.

Later,
Fluff